Dearest beautiful boy, 

I think this may be my last public regular letter. I have to leave this open-ended as I am never sure of the path we shall tread.  I have always so much to tell you
but I know that you know everything that we are doing anyway.

I have been thinking for a couple of months now whether our letters should publicly come to an end. Personally I cannot let go of this moment where I can speak to you and be alone with you. However, that is our time and therefore there is no reason why we, alone, cannot continue. What I have to look at is whether I feel these letters are still any help to anyone else, for me that is one of the main purpose for these letters. Are these letters still allowing someone to say; “Yes that’s exactly how I Feel” or “ I hadn’t thought of it like that”

Grief is a cycle and I wonder have we reached the point where we are simply walking around the same old wheel saying and feeling the same old things.

We know we have to empty our bag of grief or we will end in a mess with overspill. We have revisited this many times. As a family we have remained open and above all so very honest about all that was, is and is going to be.  Daddy and I never
underestimate the power of speech and the value of sharing as a family our
inner most feelings.  We promised you Thisy that we would be OK. We will be OK but we will never ever be complete again. Losing you from our physical lives has left an open wound. The wound begins to heal and then as soon as it is almost closed it breaks open again. Sometimes we can be right back at the beginning other times we have just stumbled. One thing is for sure my darling that wound is with us forever.

There will always be days when we stumble and crumble.  Moments when we are stopped in our tracks, looking at a photo of you and staring deep into your eyes, capturing a moment alone with you, almost in our arms.  As we embark on transferring our video footage we shall wallow in your young naïve and blissful babyhood, toddlerhood and childhood all be it far too short when everything was perfect in our world. There will be days when we see your gorgeous brothers playing, moving, and speaking like you. Each of your boys has some element of you. Honestly, a gift given to them so you may live on in them.

I will never get over my anxieties of illnesses.  I suspect I will never truly
believe or trust that I will see the boys reach adulthood. This has been
criminally taken away from me.  I will always have days making me feel jealous. Days, that your peer groups are partaking in, taking GCSE’s, getting GCSE results and so the list goes on.  I will always look at Jos as he embarks on the
elements to his life as a leader rather than a follower and wish deeply he had
your footsteps to follow. As Jos returns from his week long residential I am
pleased to have him back not because I missed him but because I will never
trust that I will get all your boys to adulthood and I feel that I may have to
kiss another one of them goodbye. I live in fear. Therefore, seeing Jos’ empty
room was too painful and felt like a potential reality. I will accept the
sadness on those days as our norm.

Birthdays I promise we will always celebrate, as hard as it is not knowing what you would be like, how tall you would be, how handsome you would be or what you would sound like. It will always be the most painful celebration but we will always acknowledge the most miraculous day that you were born. The day you were placed in my arms and my heart melted. The moment when I realised what unconditional love really means.   

My darling boy, as the time moves away from the day I last held you I experience so many emotions, sadness, pain, worry, guilt, anxiety, anger, sometimes comfort but what is evident is that whatever it is I am feeling is a reflection of me loving you. The more I feel the more I love. I will never stop loving you as long as I am on this earth and until the day I reach the summit to be with you again.

So we will continue to trek on our wheel together keeping you at the centre of all we do. We will talk all the time about you and to anyone that does or even doesn’t want to know about the wonderful funny, witty, handsome and adorable Matthias George Barker and if for a moment we should fall off the wheel and experience anything new, which could be of use to others on the same wheel, then I may publically write to you again.  For now it gives me a huge honour
to say;

“Matthias George Barker you have given me, your Daddy and your brothers so much in such a short time. We will never heal from the pain of not having you physically in our lives. We will always have moments where we will fall and wish we could have you back for just a short time to hold, touch, smell and hear you again. Our love is eternal and as strong as the day you were born. As we fall
we will remember you my darling boy as the strongest and bravest of people I
know, accepting your end of life so beautifully and selflessly. You are my
everything, you are part of my soul, my soul mate and I thank you for loving
us, as we have and always will love you. “

Always and Forever my darling,
I love you
Mummy x