When I left my last journal open ended I was unaware of the impact
it would have on my life. My biggest fear when I was writing every month was
that I would be writing for the sake of writing and not for potential pearls of
information for people to relate to. I have realised I only want to write if it
has a purpose for other people. Finding time for myself to write to Thisy is
all well and good but in actual fact my life is such that I don’t make myself
time. We all know it is important to make time for ourselves but instead I find
more comfort in talking to Thisy when it is purely about him and me. My time
away from writing, as short as it has been, has made me realise that whilst we
are in the never-ending wheel of grief and we cyclically revisit elements of our
grief, there are still new moments significantly poignant to our cycle. This
writing therefore, quite frankly, potentially has no end.  My time away has proven to me that the cycle of grief is slowing down a degree. Hence I had less to write each month. I chose to write for the 23rd of every month as that is the day that
Thisy was born and the day he died, a hugely significant date for us as a
family. Towards the end of these three and half years since Matthias died I
found I naturally had less to write every month and I suppose that is why I
thought I had to stop writing. In actual fact with the break I realise the
pressure was about fulfilling a journal on that specific date every month. Now,
my decision is to write as and when the moments are emotionally right. After
all, no one can stipulate when you are going to encounter another or a new
element to the cycle of grief. I will continue to write my journals to Thisy as
it makes me make time for him and for that alone I will be eternally grateful.
Whilst it is part of my therapy I pray it has some help or significance to
others reading this. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher and I think that
has a bearing on my writing. If you are reading this and you are able to relate
to these journals or accept what you are feeling more easily, even understand a
little better what another person may be going through or realise that you are
not alone in anyway, then I have fulfilled my purpose of writing.  Always and Forever x

p.s  It is pure chance that I write this on the 23rd! ………… or is it?

Dear Thisy,
Hello my darling, I have missed writing to you so much but I have
also needed the time to realise my path. I’m not saying that my direction will
not change again because I think we all know now that it can change when you
least expect it, after all, our entire path as a family has been smashed to
pieces by you not being with us anymore and that was not an expected direction
for us.

I have struggled with the mayhem of the end of the school term. Jos
has been amazing, as he has encountered the end of his primary school years.
Year 6 for Jos has been a massive success for him. Daddy and I are so proud of
him. He has managed to get through some very difficult moments. Unbeknown to us we suddenly realised we had been holding a huge amount of emotion in and they were totally related to our sadness for you. Our carrier bag was getting very full to the point of overflowing. In reflection I was keeping strong for Jos so he
could carry out all the responsibilities he had and he was keeping strong in
order to fulfill all that he was being expected to do. Eventually my darling
the bag overflowed and the release had to come.

Jos has been utterly amazing; he worked so hard to achieve his SATS
results. He had to learn the hard way through grit, perseverance and the pain
of a mother being a teacher teaching him how to revise! He performed a very
convincing Shere Khan in his performance of the Jungle Book and the accolades
he received were so wonderful. All Mums and Dads want to hear how great
their children are but for us, as we were living through this moment for the
first time remembering that we should be doing it for the second, it was quite
frankly crippling. Hearing of Jos’ success was immensely heart warming yet
edged with ‘if only’?  If only you had been there too darling to see your brothers brilliance. You too would have been so proud of him. He did it Thi, all on his own, with only you above him as his guide. His prom, as they call it, was where he fell. The tensions of the final weeks of school finally reared its cracks when he realised what matters most. You. Music is a trigger that can hit when you least expect it. Words on their own mean nothing but somehow put it to a warm tune and it can tear you apart. He misses you so much.

Meanwhile, I too have held all the emotions inside. I knew I was
feeling stressed and frustrated by elements of my busy schedule but I was
unaware that my subconscious was actually crying inside. As we sat on our final
day having a picnic a dear friend said ‘you must have been up and down? Are you
ok?’ It wasn’t until someone drew my attention to the tears inside that I
realise how much I had been holding in. I thank God everyday for my friends’
awareness, for their ability to be able to speak openly and honestly about our
grief. So frequently in life  people are afraid to ask are we ok? Are we struggling at the moment? Are we able to laugh at this moment in time?  I had been holding it altogether for a long time unaware that the cracks were showing. I could barely speak through the tears of pain. All I could respond was I am so, so proud of all that Jos has accomplished without following in his brothers footsteps. Thi he is going alone admirably but it is taking its’ toll on us all. I guess this is another forever? I am also hugely grateful to my friend for allowing me the opportunity to empty my carrier bag in the safety of friends.

So the summer holidays are here and the boys are relaxing into not
having a timescale! The gap is more obvious and all too big. Being with each
other all day everyday outwardly glares the black hole of you not being there. Jonas and Xav pair off leaving Jos helpless. Then Jonas and Jos pair off leaving Xav lost. It's rarely smooth now. Yet in the next breath the scary reality is that
we are hatefully getting used to be 5. Used to putting 3 plates on the table
for the boys tea. Used to getting three in the car. Three is too easy. I long
for the mayhem of 4. I will always long for it and when I see contented boys
playing I will always imagine what it would be like if only you were still playing
beside them.

My darling Thisy years are going by far too fast and I hate the fact
that another year feels like a notch further away from you. I visualize it as
an incredibly long, never-ending rope. At the beginning of living without you I was holding the rope close to you. In fact my hands were almost still able to touch you.  As the months and years go past my hands move backwards one notch down the rope moving me slowly further away from your touch. It scares me. When I reflect on the feeling, I hate it. No Mother or father can ever imagine being so far away from their child. It is a truly terrifying feeling knowing that that distance is potentially going to get greater. It’s the distance that creates the emptiness, the cold, the dark and the pain. Keeping busy, helping others, focusing on the boys and carrying out your events, hides the distance for a short while. Then we enter in to the cycle of grief back on the wheel as we fall. The realisation that we have to fall in order to truly feel the pain so that we can remember that we do still Love you as much as the day we said our goodbyes. 
 
My darling Thisy Thank you for all you have given us. We will love
you forever until we see you again.  I pray that there is touch in heaven, so that I can one day feel you once again.

Love from
Mummy xx