My darling,

There is never a moment when there is nothing to tell you. However,
I do begin to think about whether I am telling you the same things in a cyclic
motion. As your Mummy I could never get bored of writing to you and I pray that
maybe just one little snippet may give someone a moment that makes them feel
secure about what we are all feeling, yet, sometimes we find hard to say out
loud. I hope one day there will be a place for me to share my experience. I am
not sure right now in what capacity it will take and only time may tell.  I am aware there will be a time when these letters will stop and I know that that time may be approaching. I am not sure when, so I will sit patiently until I am shown a path. It is hard to let go of the closeness it brings. In three years my darling I can but only see that all the feelings, emotions, ups and downs, whether you are young or old are forever moving in a circle. We return to the emotions and situations frequently and we will for evermore. The only difference I see is that there is an expectation
that time heals still. It is a frightening expectation and one that leaves me
quite panicked. It is sometimes quite petrifying to move further from the day
we last held you. I suppose the pain we feel now can be far more intense when
it hits but maybe the attacks are becoming less frequent. One thing I know for
sure time will never heal, it can only help us accept our new life with out you
physically in our arms.

Less frequently this month have we fallen, yet when we have fallen
it has been quite intense. It seems all of us have been falling, stumbling,
tumbling together.  Jos suffered some playground abuse, which potentially was quite minor. However, it was his catalyst. He broke in class and thankfully had someone there to hold him up again. It always happens on a day when I don't pick up because I am working. His teacher told Granny which meant I was able to talk to him when I returned home. He was broken. I had to explain that small things can go wrong in our lives and that it is the same for adults and Children alike. These small incidents end up being about you Thisy. We know the expression ‘all roads lead to Rome.’ Well here it is ‘all pain leads to Thi.’  It's something we all have to accept and allow in our lives. When we were talking Jos said he didn't know if this person in the playground knew that you had died, so I suggested he tell her. He paused for a short while and I waited for his thoughts. So very quietly your mature and grieving brother said “No…….. because then she would know my weak spot.” Quite frankly that conversation blew me away. To think that he has to think about how people may react to him having to deal everyday without you not in his life made me bleed. I had no expectation that he would react thinking it
would be a pointer for attack. Naively I believed that this child would have a
heart and console not potentially destroy.  He has grown and matured into a beautiful wise boy. He told me everything and it hurt him so much. I appreciated our time, like I always appreciated the time we had together to talk. I am so proud of Jos being able to spill his heart, as I know especially for him it is no easy thing opening up. Even though Mummy says it, I do believe that he has had you as his guide on earth and I pray now too.

Your Jos has achieved the most amazing SATS week. I couldn't
careless what levels he gets. What both Mummy and Daddy are so proud of is that
he has seen what hard work and revision achieves. We are so proud of him Thi.
You would be too, as he bounced out of school with his leavers’ top on saying
JB 23. You are always with him darling, quietly, silently somehow unknowingly
imbedded in his whole being.

So as we embark on puberty I am quite excited. I am excited to see
the next phase. The phase you were robbed of. I love Jos’ jokes, his height his
maturity and I am so excited, because I never truly believed I would be allowed
to see any one of my children grow up. I feel so privileged to be part of his
pubescent waves. You would love messing with him so much, darling. You are so
alike on so many levels. Although I wonder whether you would be living in quite
so much of a pig- sty!  Jos' new phase Is
a changing phase for us and whilst I am scared, anxious and incredibly worried
I am so excited to finally be allowed into this next phase of raising my boys.
It truly is a privilege.

I have had a hard week feeling the pain twist inside and thankfully
I have had friends to talk it through. Even the poor washing machine man got
it!! I clearly need to talk when I'm pained. Daddy too has suffered. There was
no real reason for our struggle it just was. Maybe seeing Jos developing is a
painful reminder that you are no longer physically with us and saddened that
you were not allowed the same experiences. Daddy suffers more quietly and then
we talk and cry and desperately try to accept our path. This is our forever.

Our forever, with you piercing our hearts with more love than I can
begin to explain. Our pain, our love, our forever.

Always and Forever.
I love you Thisy
Mummy. x