Dear Thi. Well my darling, things have been far more settled this month. All of us seem to have calmed considerably since January. We don’t seem to have been on the roller coaster so much, which is calming on the one side and then anxious making on the other. It can make me very anxious when things are calm as I wonder how we can have calmness in such underlying turmoil. I believe this is another aspect to accepting the different emotions as we journey through our grief. Life has ironed out a bit I think for all of us. It's so much easier to ‘do’ grief at different times. When we all do it together it really is a stormy sea. February has bought a calmer sea with just the odd raging wave. I am being kept very busy my darling with your event, known on social media as #RTD2. I can't believe some of the avenues this has taken me down but the only thing I do know is that both Daddy and I plan to make you very proud and raise as much money as we can for other families and children so they too can have the similar experience that we were lucky enough to have as we had to kiss you goodbye. We had a privileged time Thisy before we finally said our final goodbye. Shooting Star Chase was not where we wanted to be originally but in the end it provided the opportunity for us to all be together and say everything we needed to say before the day we parted. Being in Chase also allowed us the ability to make your final dream come true. You meeting Steven Gerrard was something that will stay with us all forever. A true completion and I knew that that smile of recognition etched on our hearts was the moment that we would soon be saying our goodbyes. You, my darling will never understand how much you have given us. So many things I would never have done in my life if it hadn’t have been for you. (Least of which turning out a football mum and a dog owner!) Your acceptance through treatment and your death is my strive to make a difference for other children and their families and one day I will make us our own Charity where we will continue to help families suffering the pain of having to kiss their child goodbye. Things have developed for your littlest brother. Jonas is able to talk more freely about you for the first time in three years. He cuddled up to me the other day and said out of the blue. “Mummy I feel a bit sad.” “Why is that babe?” was my reply “Cos of Thisy. Let me go and get Puds.” He, for the first time ever came to me to express he was missing you. Giving your brothers, family and close friends a Pudsey Bear saying that you would love them always and forever has been a true blessing on many occasions. It is a time when they can hold you and talk to you, even get angry at not having you here. Pudsey Bear is a small step to being close to you, giving them all the opportunity to get as close as they can get to you here on earth. So, Jos is now walking his own path. He doesn’t have you as his older role model anymore and it is a very strange feeling. It doesn’t seem right but then it never will do. Jos has just entered the world of Instagram. I wasn't sure how I felt about this until I saw a post saying ‘me and my brother in the Maclaren F1’. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. I like the idea that it is giving Jos a way of expressing his love for you. Well my darling, another month passes and one day I wonder if I will ever have nothing to say to you. I pray I will always have something to say but one day I wonder if I will have to accept that our acceptance has come to a point and I am repeating myself. Maybe our Grief cycle will be making its full circle? As with everything in life I now take the stance of ‘whatever will be will be.’ I can’t change what is going to happen so I must try to accept and go with it. However, I am going to ask one thing of you. Look down on us as we walk and sometimes stumble through the days, weeks and months and watch over your brothers, keep them safe. My anxiety levels are sky high, I think they always will be. I wish I could banish the fears of ill-health. I spend days at ease and then days when I quite simply do not trust the world. I worry for my health, for Daddy’s health and the boys health and safety. Once a cold used to be a cold, now for me, I fear that a cold could be a much larger issue. I am tired of feeling this anxiety I used to be so relaxed. I realise, a little naïve perhaps, that I used to think it wouldn’t happen to us. I feel guilty about that. Now I can only think Why not? It did happen and whilst we will always be broken we will always strive to be happy, as that was our promise to each other before you died. I am doing all that I can to wash the anxieties away. My darling as you never gave up so we will never give up. We will strive to live life to the full and take everything that is given to us with open arms. We will always keep you in the centre of all we do. Our wounds we will strive to heal knowing that there will always be a piece still weeping. I miss you each and everyday darling and I relish in the affection the boys give me. As I hold them and love them I try to smell you. I close my eyes and for split seconds I imagine you in my arms again. Kissing you on your cheek and telling you how much I love you and always will. I love you Always and Forever Mummy xxx