Hello my lovely boy, It’s been a big month for us, as Jos has been accepted into Winston Churchill School. To be fair I didn’t even contemplate that he wouldn’t be accepted due to where we live. Nonetheless, It has been hard as Jos should be following you in your footsteps, but you never had the chance to experience the wonders of secondary school. I think you would have loved it. The Sport and Science would have suited you so well. We had our first meeting as a year group. Jos was so anxious and sadly, as he arrived some girls from his class were unkind to him about the temporary group he was in. I could tell he was uncomfortable and anxious even though he was hiding it very well, as he often does. The choir burst into song and we sat listening and thinking. I sat next to Jos thinking so many things. I was wondering if he was quietly thinking of you, wishing you were there to show him the way. Was he anxious that he has to now be the big brother and lead rather than follow? There was an awkward silence between us. The choir broke out with their final song before we went into our groups. The song sang ‘ as tears roll down your cheeks as you remember what can’t be replaced’ Tears quietly rolled down my cheek. Jos looked at me and quietly said ‘Thi.' The hurt your brothers feel breaks my heart, but I am so thankful that they can talk about you and even with a single word I knew what he was thinking and feeling. The rest of the evening was fantastic and I began to feel excited for Jos. I started to believe and trust that my Jos was actually going to achieve something you were never lucky enough to have in your life. Daddy and I miss you so much and the other day we experienced our pain together. It was a heated chat, but honest and open. Quite frankly it was about trying to accept more pain than we will ever feel again and that we have to accept our lives as they are now. The anguish will never leave us and i hope the acceptance will come more freely as years roll on. This was a fine example of a random, rogue and somewhat viscous wave to bring us crashing to our knees. Tears later and holding each other we could do nothing more than just pick ourselves up and move onto normal living. This rogue wave of emotion leaves me feeling very fragile for a day or so. Learning to cope with grief is one thing, trying to live with everyone's grief is hard especially as we all do it so differently. Give and take in our life of grief is so very hard because it's personally intense. Today was a joy to behold my darling. A day you would have relished in. The sun was beating down on us and your brother was out on pitch playing with GPR. He has bruised his fingers and being in goal is just not possible until he is fully mended. Today he played like an Ox, so strong and purposeful. I was so proud of him and I visualized you running up and down the sideline shouting out advice to make his game even better. A volley, header and a third on target gave him his second hat trick. You would be so proud of the fact that he has now scored more goals than he has conceded. We missed not having you filming his skill and shouting your supreme coaching advice. Well, my darling life in general has been more at ease this month and we have enjoyed the fact that the weather is turning and we are entering into the warmer weather. Somehow, everything feels easier in the sun. At the end of next week, we are about to encounter on our yearly holiday that you so desperately were passionate about at Hoburne. The boys are so excited to be with their cousins again to spend a whole week of playing football, spending money in the arcade and swimming in the pool together. It is wonderful to watch them altogether and meeting up with the usual yearly crowd. Harry and Tom will be there and as I see Harry I wonder would you behave the same way? The gap is still big. A dark hole that I thought may have got smaller. For me the hole is still big and black. Wednesday Xavier is off on his first school overnight trip. This always fills me with sickness as I remember sending you off. As I reflect on the day you went it makes me feel sick to the bone to think you went with Nurofen in case you were in pain and a phone number in case I had to come and get you. As ever you were strong and mighty, you had a fantastic time and I suspect you ignored the fact that you must have been in hellish pain. Undiagnosed and unknowing our journey ahead. My darling, I pack Xavier off on Wednesday and thankfully Daddy is a parent helper. I pray you will watch over Xav as he isn’t as brave as you and Jos. Love him from above and if you have a little spare send some to me as I am left at home with Jonas and Jos hoping all is well. I know now my life from now on will always be one of anxiety. Carefree living has been rudely taken away from me. It can be exhausting living day to day with a weight heavy on my chest. I am going to promise to you that I will allow myself some time. Time to free my mind, giving my time to you too is important and for a while I feel like I haven’t given you any. I am sorry my darling for my lack of thought. I never forget, you are always in my mind and heart and you will always be it’s just that you haven’t been in the forefront. I feel guilty about that and allowing me my time will allow me to give you time. As another month marches by and the months turn into more years I am still left in dismay. I still believe you could walk back through the door and join us. At times, I still don’t believe we have had to go though this emotion. How I would wallow in your smile again and pause at your touch and for even one second, melt in your smell. My darling, I will love you more and more each day. Always and forever Mummy x Ps. A little time writing this is a little time given to you. Just you and me xxxxxxx