My darling Thisy, Well we have managed to get through Christmas. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it could have been. I wonder if we create an atmosphere of expectant sadness instead of just going with the flow of what ever will be will be. As it turns out I do think that with the craze of Christmas we are washed along quite comfortably. All I ever hope for is that the boys continue to be excited by Christmas and see it as quality family time. This year I believe they were pleased and excited with all that surrounded the days. As I sat next to you and we talked of your death I promised that the boys would be ok. I thank you darling for giving me that precious time so that we both knew how life would be after your death or at least how we would try and make it be. As the craze and hubbub of Christmas slowly fades away I am driving to a very close friend of mine who has had her baby a little earlier than expected. Born at 34 weeks we are left with all the anxieties that behold when things are not quite following the plan according to the textbook. As I Drive along the eternal M25 I have to pass the Sutton turn off. Still I have throwbacks where I have you sitting beside me dreading the treatment you were about to behold. You were so brave, stoic and completely accepting. Whilst I drive past the turning I remember your acceptance and I am honestly sitting there helpless and unaccepting and as the loneliness and quietness of the car surrounds me I am driving with tears rolling down my cheeks. Tears of anxiety, pain and not accepting any of the treatment you had to go through. I suppose it was purely time to spill after the craze of Christmas. So the Lead up and anticipation of pain as we embark on the anniversary of the day you died leaves us peculiarly comfortable. Comfortable in celebrating all that you were. For the wonderful 10 years we had. My fiercely lonely time is when I have to take the boys back to school and allow the normal routine to commence. The lull of January. I will say darling, like I have said for the last three years. Your birthday is the most painful of days. The day when you were placed in my arms and the world changed. My heart changed and found a love I never knew about, a love that was completely unconditional and a love that would hurt. So with the boys back to school the sound of silence is crippling, it makes me nervous and anxious. I thank my lucky stars that I have wonderful friends to keep me from falling. Soon the anxiety becomes too much and one of my lovely friends suggests its time to take time. Allow myself to stumble and crumble. Xavier and I browse through the Chase album that I made straight after our return and we talk about all the wonderful times we had with you my darling. Xavier takes in all the pictures of him being so close and telling you of everyone’s love. Then he notices a picture of you and Jos. I tell him how special that picture is. Not only is it the last picture of you 4 together but, Jos knows, he is holding your hand and lying with you. For Jos this was the first time that he could touch you. The first and his last true holding. We cry together and love together, accepting that nothing will ever be completely comfortable again and allow ourselves time to be with you in a way we never knew we were going to have to do. I drag my feet kicking back to the routine with fear of the unknown what the year will bring. Well my darling news flooded in about the fact that Steven Gerrard is leaving LFC. Can you imagine LFC without Stevie G? We were all left a little dumb founded and slightly numb. I honestly never thought I could ever get upset about anything about football and I said to Daddy that I couldn’t understand why I felt so upset. He pointed out that in actual fact it has nothing to do with football but everything to do with you and Steven. I don’t know if Steven will ever know quite how he made our lives complete. For me to be able to allow you to die having fulfilled your dream was more than I could have ever wished for. Steven was our completion wasn’t he Thi? So, sadness or not, I dig deeper and try to fulfill the way you lived and do as you said ‘Never give up.’ I will continue to raise money for both Steven Gerrard foundation and of course Chase. I am trying so hard darling to make it bigger and better as the more money we raise the more families that can benefit from the love and support we had. So Red Thi Do2 will continue to be a mark of our honesty and passion for keeping everything about you alive in our memories and thoughts. Our first committee meeting for your next event went fantastically. It was well organised, delegated and minuted. Then there was the real element to why we were all sitting around a table working hard to raise money for all these children and families. I went through the last 6 weeks of your life and I fell. The long waited January fall. I talked of St George's, our last full hug, your goodbye to Ed Hannon, your transfer, your arrival at Chase, your acceptance of death, the arrival of Steven and Anna and your smile and gratitude, your death and after you died, how we continued to love and live at Chase until your funeral. Later that day is when I shared the Chase album with Xav. He holds me up more than he will ever truly know. It was the first time in a very long time that I have felt such sharp pain and desire to hold you again. The knife turned and the wound bled all over again and so the healing of that wound is trying to take place again but it keeps weeping. My lovely boy I was talking to Jonas and he showed me the first signs of his grief. That's a long time holding on. ‘Will I reach 11’ he asked. ‘Of course you will darling it was cancer that made Thi die’ I replied. ‘Don't talk about it. Don't talk about it’ he said anxiously. I then realised this little child is sad inside and missing you so much but unable to let go. I told him it's ok to get upset and then he sat in my arms talking about you at Chase. He remembers so much I worry for this little man. Then I showed him the plaster of Paris hand of you. He held it, caressed it, told me how lovely it was. He said to me how he wants to hold it all the time and feel your smoothness. It was a beautiful moment and then he said for the first time that he missed you darling. ‘It's not fair because he can't be with us and do things’ he said. I told him that you don’t feel bad that you feel fine and that it's only us who are sad. ‘Yes’ he said ‘it's all us that love him so much.’ I then told him that you are loving and watching him and he said ‘he's waving down on us’. This is the first showing of Jonas’ grief. Is it that he is now of an age where he can verbalise his emotions? It is lovely to see in a way and then the flip coin where I wish I could take it all away for him and do the one thing he wants and bring you back. Helplessness again. I do believe it is just as well that we talk about you all the time or he would have missed his opportunity to grieve. Jos has been to hospital to have his teeth looked at. He was strong and independent. He breezed into the x ray leaving me in the corridor looking at the Do Not enter signs. I sat with tears of remembering how you had to go through so many different scans and tests. It will always pain me, as it is something I could do absolutely nothing about. The true meaning of helplessness. So, my darling I wobble through January, breaking and falling at many hurdles. Falling with the boys and daddy is something that makes some element of this pain a little easier, knowing that we are all talking about you and keeping you in the centre of our lives. Today, as much as it pains me I wish you a happy birthday. I will wonder all day what would you really be like at 14. Spotty? Grunting? Taller than me? Yet still in my arms even though that probably wouldn’t be cool! I miss your voice, your smile, your touch and your smell, more so on a day where I am only guessing what you would be. Empty pain. I love you darling and that I know will never change. I will love through my tears my laughter and even when I am not consciously thinking of you, you are always being carried by me and I will never put you down. I love you Always and Forever xx Your Mummy x