Dear Thi Just when you think there is nothing to say it all spills out again. Yesterday we fulfilled a heart wrenching and extremely stressful day in carrying out your event. Thi's burgers bangers and build I believe was the talk of the town! There were hundreds of people, not only those that love you or us but people that just wanted to be part of us. I didn't have a moment to breathe. Mummy and daddy’s phones were ringing perpetually and we were pulled in several directions all day. In all the hubbub of throwing my arms around people to say hello and then moving on to the next job or challenge of the day, my world momentarily came to a stop when I bumped into a lady who said. “You may not remember me?” And I said “yes Claire.” I held her and hugged her and cried for what felt like a very long time. Your health visitor, who saw you through your young vibrant healthy years. She came to be with you and my heart bled once more. I fell a few times throughout the day. I was not expecting to fall so many times. I was so nervous all day but people pushed me through and your Daddy was my rock. Tonight at bath time we talked about you again. Xavier talking about when daddy left the upstairs flat in Chase to pop down to be with us and how it made him feel like something wasn't right. Jonas and xav talked about your end yet again. How we moved you to mistral room? How we all came to kiss you goodbye. Then there was silence as we all had out moment to think and remember. Silence prevailed and I gave them time to just be silent in love and thought. Xavier broke the silence with " Mummy why did it have to happen to us?" all I could respond with was “There is no answer for that my dear Xav.” Xav is a sea of open emotion. He needs to ask, to question, to remember out loud. Jonas responded with "Shall we talk about exciting things now!" We had a chuckle and I started to remind them of exciting things and good times we had with you. The best times. Jos had a sleepover last night. It was so lovely. He has the nicest friends and it was a pleasure to have so many boys in the house. I always love having a heap of boys to fill that dark space that has been left. As daddy and I sit in bed in the morning and talk about you quietly on our own, I realise I feel scared. I am scared of beginning to get used to not having you physically in our house. Part of me doesn’t want to get used to it but it is a natural progression and with that comes the fear. With that recognition I am thrown at full speed into a feeling of sickness where I am trapped again in the pain of missing you, of looking after you and of you being so poorly. Daddy now remembers you as our healthy Thisy. young and a bright shining boy. I do remember you young but it saddens me that I have to search to remember. We are going to attempt to be technical and get all the video tapes we took of you when you were so small and innocent onto the computer. I am hoping this will help me with remembering the glorious days when all our worries were when the next part of your routine was. You were the most chilled, happy and contented little baby and the day you nuzzled into my neck at 10 days old and I took the deepest of breaths whilst smelling you. Rubbing your downy skin on my top lip I sat there, closed my eyes and said to myself “Cherish this as it won't last forever.” How I didn't realise then what I was truly saying. If I close my eyes now I can feel your soft skin on my kissing lips and smell your scent. I want that feeling to Stay with me and never leave me. As the week passes from your event I am desperately trying to raise the total for all to see. Yesterday I was proud to announce that we had raised 19,093 for shooting star chase. You are an amazing person Thisy and I was thrilled to be able to announce our total. I am left in wonder as I sit and talk to so many people post the event. Today I spoke to our lovely nurse who was with you when you died. Why am I left in wonder? Because she announced that one of your red balloons from the event landed in her garden. Of all the people in all the world, out of 300 balloons. Moreover, the winning balloon to date has a story too which I will reveal once the closing date arrives. I pray this balloon is the winner. Saturday I spent a glorious day with my girlfriends. Soaking up sun, food, drink and friendship. In my hype of enjoyment I am quietly, secretly dropped as I stumble silently. Seeing a picture, which throws me to your illness, your undignified state at the end. I wish I could have taken it all away for you but your illness was far too toxic. Out of my hands, out of your hands and only in the hands of fate. I rebuilt my wall quite rapidly on Saturday and continued to enjoy our time. Thank you darling for helping me rebuild so quickly so that I could enjoy my day. I am trying hard to let go of the sad memories, of the struggles we had at the end and of the extreme pain you had to go through both physically and emotionally. It is hard to let go of and sometimes it suffocates me. I will strive to keep the happy memories so that we can continue to live in peace. Oh Thisy our Xavier never ceases to amaze me in his eloquent ability to communicate about death. This morning whilst folding washing he talks about death. "Mummy do you mind dying?" Strange as it has been a question laying on my mind recently, a thought that had potentially changed. If I’m honest Thi Soon after your death there was almost an unhealthy urgency to not care about how far away my end was and indeed a laissez faire attitude as to whether it was earlier than most. In recent days I have been talking to you saying that whilst I still can't wait for our reunion there is now an element of me that can and has to be here, making me change and feel more scared to die. My boys need me still. And I need them. I want to see my grandchildren if we be granted the normal passage of life. Xav said he was scared to die. We talked about not needing to be scared of the actual process of dying as you had done it so bravely and calmly, you have shown us the way. But indeed quite normal to feel scared of leaving what is here in the earthly world. He concluded his deep conversation. “Its just the people left behind that hurt. Why did it have to happen to us?” Yet again Xav is searching for an answer, the one thing I cannot give him. I am incapacitated and can't really respond as I ask this daily to myself, searching for my own answer! All I could say to him was “ darling there is no answer to why and I wish more than anything that there was, but I do believe it has made us a very close family and I guess it makes us stronger dealing with heartbreak. "Mummy he said at least I have the other boys" “Indeed and you still have Thisy loving you always and forever dear Xav.” I thank God that Daddy and I were lucky enough to have four boys. Although Xav and Jos struggle to meet eye to eye a lot of the time I pray that as they both mature they will mould themselves closer together. Jos today talked about you and your footballing skills and told me about a time when you both decided to go outside for a kick about. Jos relived it and said ‘ He didn’t even get a touch to the ball Mum as he said he was in too much pain and had to go in” I didn’t know this Thi and I am so pleased you could be honest with your brother. Jos quietly gets on with life but his ideal world of childhood has been ripped away from him. He always will love you and I encourage him to talk about you openly all the time. You are still very much darling centre of our lives. Well, my darling boy, I will try to learn to let go of the sad times and strive for the happy memories. As I write this I still struggle and I suspect it will take a very long time. Stay close to us and guide us through our next phase of life. The gap will never cease, the black hole will always be there and our hearts will continue to ache and be broken for missing you is like living without a limb, a part of me has been taken and for that my pain will remain. My pain is my love, which is never ceasing. I will always love you with all my heart……. Until we meet again, one day. I love you Always and Forever Mummy xx