Darling Thi. Maybe you can steer me in the right direction but I'm hoping you are already doing that. I over heard the boys yesterday talking about their three Genie wishes. Jos announced his three with number one being you. "To bring Thisy back without cancer." He misses you so so much darling and feels strongly that he wants to change the world and get rid of cancer altogether. He often says that if he had heaps of cash that's what he would do, that and go to every Liverpool match! Yesterday we met up with our beautiful family. The first time we have seen Aunty Rach without any hair. Rach and I did the whole lets prepare the boys so they are not worried or upset by seeing her with no hair. Oh how us adults worry too much. Xav said "she looks no different and no matter what it doesn't change who she is. She is still Aunty Rach." Jonas agreed " Yeh! she looks fine!" Jos added "she can always wear a hat!!" I did giggle, as did Aunty Rach. Wasn't sure if Jos’ comment was a means of saying get over it mum it's simple or a quiet not sure I like the reminder of seeing the result of chemo and sad memories of not having you with us. Either way the boys were completely nonplussed, or at least seemed so. Maybe more will evolve in time. On the other hand, I have seen my beautiful brave cousin and have melted silently. I went to bed thinking of you and your treatment, of all the sad and horrendous things you so stoically took on board and went through. Everyday you fill me with pride. I cannot believe how amazingly strong you were in body, mind and soul. You have taught me so much and yet with that teaching has come a change of my character, tolerance…..sadly, I have less. I don't like the change but I can't help it. Maybe it's a form of anger creeping out. I am far more outspoken than I ever used to be and sometimes that's not a good trait. I never mean to hurt by being outspoken it's just that I feel like life is so short, too short, and we only get one shot. Maybe it's an element of passion, passion, with a sense of urgency. Help me guard my passion so it is used only as a helpful tool. We have had a glorious week in Selsey and each day we rocked up to 'Tulip' to join the family for the day and each day I rocked up with something missing. It was you. Yet I was still at peace when we arrived it wasn't so painful just odd, like I’d left something behind. I wonder if you have given me that ease of missing this year because there were more important issues to talk through, to share, to support, to work with. I am comforted by our strong family bond. Looking at Aunty Rach wasn't too upsetting it was a reminder though. Feeling her soft downy hair was something quite different. Smelling her newly sprouting hair was peculiarly comforting. Sometimes I think I am odd that something's don’t send me completely off the rails. The smell of her head initially took me back to you and the boys as babies, nuzzled in my neck. Then I realised it was far nearer a reminder than babyhood. It was exactly the same smell of you Thi about 3 years ago. There must be something unique about the smell of new hair growing post chemo. I really did smell you again. Eyes closed, deep intake of breathe and engulfing in your presence, the closest I have physically felt to you in two and a half years, even though the feeling was too short. I kissed Aunty Rach’s head as if it was you, and as a thank you to Rach for letting me caress her downy head. As we return from our Selsey holiday the boys are quite simply hanging! So many grown up late nights, they have loads of hours sleep to catch up on. Jonas slept until 9 am one morning and I decided take an Instagram picture of him. As I was about to post it something held me back, I studied the two pictures more closely. It was as if you were lying there. I held onto those pictures for a day or two until I had shared them with Daddy. Then I posted them. It's a strange feeling seeing you so strongly in Jonas yet comforting and warming to know Thisy you are so very much still part of us. I realise my darling boy that after a while of peace, contentment and acceptance I am suddenly crushed by waking one random morning with a feeling of anxiety. The anxiety is within, for no apparent reason and so incredibly strong. Strong enough to make me ache and have to keep taking deep breathes. I was seriously worrying about the boys, really irrational anxiety. Help me find a way of dispelling these feelings when they come, as they are not at all helpful to anyone, especially the boys. True to form you help me yet again expel the anxiety. As another day progresses and my anxiety leads the way I falter whilst having my nails done. A crazy fall, a real brick wall. Having a simple conversation takes me back to the moment you knew Steven Gerrard was at your side. I am consumed in silent desperation. Tears wiped quietly with the hand that isn't being painted and my head facing away from your brothers who are happily consumed in technology. That moment was a moment where completion meant the end. I knew my time was limited after Steven had visited. I wish I had known just how little time was left. I wouldn't have left your side darling not for one second. I was never far but I would have sat and held you continually. Although that may have annoyed you slightly! The fall and the pain, as hideous as it was at the time, allows me to empty the contents of my pain, fear and emotion leaving me a little freer. Today has been a strange day. It has been a day of fate. I believe you have guided us in a strange way. Jos in his hardwearing manner has ripped two pairs of shorts that were yours. It has pained me to throw them. They are your last clothes and I can't tell you how it hurts. It's like I'm throwing a piece of you away. The Irrational and emotional are clashing yet again. Or is that Irrational? I smell and kiss them with my eyes closed tight to feel you and imagine you in my arms and I slowly with tears falling down my cheeks release them from my hand as I place them into the bin. Silently the knife turns inside, such a small act creating an enormous and completely unbearable pain. Is this potentially a sign that I am unable to let go? Will I ever let go? Do I have to let go? I do believe there is no way on this earth that I will ever let go, as if I do then I would have stopped loving you. As the day moves on I have flashbacks of you, Daddy, the boys and I at the end of your precious life. Small flashbacks like I have most days. I'm still searching and waiting for my happy memories to be my flashbacks. At bedtime Jonas our little light of the family chooses ‘Gilbert the Great’ to read before bed. I forget what the content of the story is all about until half way through. It is all about death. We read it together. Xav was in his top bunk and realised the content of the book and asked to come down to sit with Jonas and myself. He snuggled next to me, close, silently asking for support in his pain. After the book there we have a small discussion. Xavier returned to his bunk and openly asked "Mummy will we ever see Thi again?" Tears start falling from his eyes. I hate more than ever the pain in the boys as I know what they are truly feeling and I can't take it away. All I can respond with is how I see the world "Darling, I believe we will one day, I hope so as I want him there to show me the way........ But not for a very long time yet babe, God willing we have lots to do yet. I want to see your children and help you look after them as a Granny". Tears roll yet again which we acknowledge is our pain of missing you and then I try to recall our Selsey holiday and talk about all the fun family antics and in particular the bits you would have laughed at. The skinny dipping, the incoming ball to Aunty RoRo’s head. Games, jigsaws, sea rafts and so much more. It is your gorgeous and very strong brother Jos who rescues us in this instance as we recall how he kamikazedly mis-kicks a ball and stands frozen to the spot looking at the patio filled with adults with heads in books and like a startled rabbit simply shouts “INCOMMING! Aim, fire miss, phew!” He lives to eat tea! How we laughed at Jos, and I am convinced you were up there rocking around holding your stomach and laughing heartedly with us. Jos was frozen to the spot as he thought about the very worried position he would be in had he hit aunty RoRo on the bonce! Xav laughed and we agreed you would have been the one coiled up on the floor clutching your belly laughing out loud. I miss you laughing but I do get a glimpse of it on occasions when Jos totally let's go. It's a part of you. Just as the picture of Jonas asleep is part of you to look at and Xav more and more has your mannerisms. I love and get comfort from seeing you in your brothers. Today has proved to be a more challenging day. We had a family day where we were meant to have a day together enjoying each other. For one reason or another It didn't quite turn out like that. This morning I spent some precious time with Xav explaining how missing you can be shown in many ways. Today Xav realised that grief can be shown through being grumpy. "So if people are grumpy Mummy, all they need is more loving?" That little boy has so much sensitivity in him and when it comes out it oozes. Xav will be ok in life as he has this remarkable ability to show his feelings and empathise with others, to act on other peoples misfortune and a desire to suggest ways to make it ok. "We can help more around the house to make it easier and show more love" he said. He is so in tune and desperate to make everything normal again, incredible for such a young age. Sadly, we can only make it "this" normal we will never be able to make it how it was and we will always have to cope with the highs and lows of all the families grief in whatever capacity that may be. As we start our Devon holiday I am embarking on memories that sit slightly uncomfortably. They are my first memories of family life without you, memories which don’t have you physically in them. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. It hurts. It's not fair. I love you so much and I will never let go I will hold you forever, if only I could hold you again my darling boy. Always and Forever you ever loving Mummy x