Dear Thi I wake up and think of you, I go to bed and think of you. I never stop thinking about you. You are a permanent fixture in my brain and heart. I scrutinise Jos as we watch him develop healthily through the exact time where you were so unwell. It is about this time when we began our road of your end. I still don't trust that Jos will reach any further age without us being brought down. It's not fair to live life like that. But I can't see how to escape that feeling. Will I feel more trust when Jos is 12 and Xav is at your tender age. Will I feel the same feelings when Xav hits 10 and then Jonas? It puts pressure on my chest when I think about it. Pressure of anxiety. Pressure of worry. I wish so much that I knew you now as a young pubescent man. When you were growing up I used to be excited about having you as a teenager, to joke with and enjoy the more grown up conversations. I knew you were my soul mate I always knew we were connected not just by mother and son, something deep and strong. We would look in each other's eyes and we just knew. We trusted each other to the end of the world. The day we stood at the kitchen sink and you looked at me and raised your eyes to heaven with a click of the tongue and a cheeky "what's that all about?" In response to your brother I knew then we were so connected. You made me laugh you thought like I do and we truly understood each other. Now that has left me. Leaving a gaping hole. Despite this I am ok because the boys are keeping me strong and I promised you we would be. My connection with Jos is growing daily as I brave him going through being 10years. I just need to see 11,12,13 ....... to believe. If nothing else my darling by having to cope with the void of you not being here physically, to hold, has made me stronger, maybe a little angrier, but stronger. No other loss will ever compare to not having you by my side. I have realised there are so many grieving processes in life and not necessarily related to death. I have recently felt like I have lost a friend who I thought was so close. I now believe it doesn’t matter what you invest your love into, if that investment is taken away you are left grieving. However, one can grieve in many ways and this loss is about anger, which to some degrees is easier to deal with. Anger can be pushed aside and is easier to expel than pain. It still hurts but nothing compared to my broken heart of not having you. I guess nothing can ever compare to not having you next to me. As I am swallowed up in organising your event I reflect on two and a half years without you. I try to push myself to remember you in your earlier days and I can but not without a thought process. It doesn't come immediately or easily. In all honesty whenever I think of you I am immediately taken to the day I held your hand and said that it was ok as you took your last breath. It wasn't ok and it never will be ok my darling. But I knew I had to give you the chance to exit with ease. You were so incredible in your acceptance of life and death. Oh my darling boy I could break for Jos. We were sat watching the World Cup, and as ever referring to the goal keeping skills. We then like all passionate young footballers talked about the football dream. I asked tongue in cheek ' what would you do with all that money Jos if you were a professional football player?' He said without thinking 'the first thing is to give most of it to get rid of cancer' it never leaves him. I was beginning to be anxious for Jos again thinking he was hiding his feelings towards missing you. He is quietly and subtly always thinking of you. I too wish we could get rid of cancer. I struggle for a short moment when I read of all these wonderful cancer cures and indeed miracles. I am obviously thrilled and overwhelmed for these families but I battle with the fact that I am so jealous, I just can't beat the feeling of jealousy. Why couldn't we have had that miracle? Can’t I accept other peoples happiness in achieving the most important factor…….life. Xav turned 8 and he struggled immensely, for why I'm not quite sure. I wonder amongst heat, excitement and being over tired whether he couldn't cope with all the different dynamics. Ultimately celebrating without his biggest brother. Missing exposes itself in so many ways. I was talking to my friend the other day and we were talking about our Jos and it dawned on us that his anxiety for infection control may not be purely about the training we had when you were having chemo but indeed far more anxiety related. I questioned him and low and behold he responded immediately with “so you cant get cancer from germs?” oh my how long has that young brain been stewing over this? I remember myself as an 8 year old having a similar worry and it ate me up. I am so glad I had that conversation with my friend, as we were able to set his poor over anxious brain straight. I look at the boys and I study them from time to time. In each of them both Daddy and I see elements of you. The other day Jos and Xav were playing with friends on the field and other children joined them. The boys didn’t know each other. On their return Jos said “Mummy there was a boy there that asked me if I knew Matthias Barker.” It transpires that the boy was from my school and thought that Jos looked like you. In my school there is a sensory garden that is dedicated to you and has pictures of you. I was fascinated that this child connected the pictures with Jos even though he didn’t know Jos at all. Thisy you certainly do live in the boys and I thank God for that everyday. Today I have had a few moments, struggling with not having you in my arms. I can feel the break as I talk about you today. No reason why, just lost without you my darling beautiful boy. We will love you, as you will love us always and forever. I love you Mummyxxx