Dearest Thi Your Birthday……..I honestly thought I was going to be ok today. I can't help hurting there is no easy way to tell you. I want you, I want to hold you to make you feel my love, which still grows stronger and never goes or diminshes. I know you have given us all gifts today in your own way. It has been weeks since you sent us a sign of your presence. Today we have had three. You are a marvel and I thank you for being you, for what you have given us and continue to give us. Please help me darling today. Keep pushing me through the day my love. I have come to realise that your birthday is harder to get through than your death day. Thi day (the day you died) is a celebration of all you were. Your birthday is a celebration of what we don't have now, of what we will never know. But I believe we have to do this for the boys. Until they tell me otherwise I will do it for them. Moving into the 24th of January has helped me as I endeavour to create another wonderful event in your honour. I have started planning Thi's Burgers Bangers and Build. (more to be revealed soon!) It's going to be so exciting creating a family fun day for everyone to celebrate in. Especially, as my heart is with all the children. I am looking forward to creating something for the boys. An inclusive event in honour of the bravest most courageous child I have had the privilege to know and love so deeply. Darling boy I went to Jonas' parents evening. I can honestly say I have never cried before at a parents evening. Proud? Yes, of course but I am constantly proud of what all you boys do or have done. What his teachers were saying were words I had heard before, about 8 years previously. Jonas is following in your footsteps. He will always be his own person but I have always said he is like you. Whilst we all fell, teachers as well, I pained to be with you. The tears were of pain but joy too. I love the fact that Jonas is like you. All the boys have wonderful traces of you. Jos, and his sense of humour. Xav and his looks, Jonas and his intelligence. You have given them a slither of you to let you live on. The sad part of Jonas’ parents evening was coming out raising my eyes to heaven and thanking God for his cleverness and his similarity to you but also pleading with him. Pleading that I pray I hold on to him, longer than your too short 10 years. My darling I have been asked to write a song. After returning from a night out with the girls I got into bed and started writing. Straight from the heart. It was so easy to write. It's called “ If only I had one more chance.” It's about wanting you so desperately. About touching you, seeing your smile, hearing your laughter. Just one more time. I miss you so much darling the pain is intolerable today. Maybe because I am wavering on your next event. I do not believe in myself this time. I have to trust you will show me through and show me whether elements are right or wrong. I know this wavering is the early stages of organizing and as soon as it comes together it will all make more sense. I have just had a day organised by Clic Sargent. A day for bereaved mothers. A lovely, yet emotionally exhausting day. Making chocolate a delight yet talking about all our pain quite simply harrowing. Nothing is ever going to change and you can hide from the pain in whatever way you like but there will always be a black hole in our lives. My anxiety won't leave me I will forever panic about everyone's well bring. It's an exhausting existence. This one will take a while to accept. Maybe my acceptance will be to accept I am going to live like this now. Jos fell last month and xav this month. Xav started by asking questions about you. The treatment, your death, your now. Would I pay £10 to everyone in the world if I could have you back? Why couldn't you live on chemo until you were an old man? What is in your coffin? All these questions we answered at the time but like Jos said he has grown up and his thinking has grown up. I presume he needs things answered again to reaffirm his younger thinking. As we explained about your Pudsey bear being in the coffin with you fulfilling your wishes he collapsed. We could only hold each other in love and tears. I so understood the pain he was feeling, the helplessness, the inability to change what hurts. No bandage will cover the open wound. I felt there was no way out of this pain so I took him down from his top bunk and we played Thi tennis. We took it in turns to share happy memories of you. Daddy joined in with the game. One at a time we slowly laughed and loved again with a smile. Calm, broken and mended for now at least. Jos is returning form school more often now saying he has had a meltdown as he calls it. Based on another child talking about her Grandad who died of cancer. Together they shared their grief. Jos told me he was able to talk to her because of his painful experience. I was so proud to hear about Jos’ help and advice he is such a strong and brave boy, I think he had a very good teacher in you Thi. Thi you would be so proud of him he is so lovely. He has grown into himself and has a sense of humour that would make you laugh heartily. I am very relieved as a mummy because I was always worried that he was unable to express himself and his emotions. In all honesty I was scared when you were alive that I didn’t really know him. I am swallowed up with joy and deep relief that he has grown and continues to grow able to express himself and I adore every inch of his being. He cant possible replace you as nothing in this world will but he fills a very large black void. Well Thisy, Daddy and I have been honest with the boys through everything. So, we have shared our sad news about my cousin, your auntie, who is about to embark on treatment for breast cancer. A little worried as to their reaction. We told them exactly as it is. It was like history reliving itself talking to them. They were ok but with many questions and obvious worry. I can’t discuss all of this now my darling but for now all we need to know is that we are so proud of all you boys and all the children in our family. You taught them well my darling. Thank you. Jonas is also growing up and his mind is maturing and needs confirmation of all that has passed and all he has been through. He said mummy “I don't have a big brother now?” to which Xav interjected. “You have 3 big brothers, 1 is dead and 2 are alive, me and Jos.” “Mmmm” said Jonas. “So Jos will die next because he is nearly 11?” Oh my darling little boy. With all the teaching and honesty we have taught his little mind still thought he only had another year with Jos and worse still thinking that was the norm. I was so upset for him yet this is how young people live and cope with devastation. For him it was the norm and I suppose if that really was the norm then would it hurt quite so much? Self-preservation? Maybe he is simply feeling the same way as the adults. Can he trust the world again? I never stop thinking will I get my children to adulthood? Please God I will. I ask you though Thisy to show Jonas there is life beyond 10. Last night you visited me in a dream. My first. You got into bed with me lay in my arms and I held you for the first time since you died. Please come to me again. As I was dreaming I knew it was you yet strangely as I woke I wondered if you were Jos. You wore White were tall and thinner than you were. I felt you and kissed you. As you walked into my room I knew for sure it was you but now as I rethink about you in my arms I wonder were you really Jos? If only we could capture and keep the dream where you walked in and snuggled up to me. I will keep that forever. Please come again. Today Thisy we visited CHASE with the boys. It was bitter sweet. It's difficult; xav needs to revisit every aspect of all we were. We saw your room, the flat the boys and daddy stayed in and mistral room where you were laid in peace. Strange how they had different levels of need. Xav sat in The Sanctuary with me and said, “I wish we were back here.” To which I responded “but then we would have to say goodbye to you again.” He explained “I know it sounds mean but not necessarily with Thi here just us here.” For me this showed how important CHASE was to us as a family. I know you and I wanted to be at home for your final days, but in all honesty the love and support and emotion that CHASE has bought us is something we will never get anywhere else. I know how Xav feels, a warmth, homeliness, a snippet of you again, closeness to you, occasionally marred with a stabbing edge of sadness. I will keep an eye on Jos, as I am not sure how he felt about the visit. He kept saying he wasn't bothered when I said he didn't have to do parts of the reliving. Something made him do it but I hope it hasn't built up a pain within. At least I know he will melt down as he calls it if he needs to. In his time. Look after him Thi keep him, watch him. Ease his pain. Thisy as I write these things to you as the month moves along I look back on the 23rd every month to read through and realise there are so many elements of the feelings I had forgotten. So many elements that I write and then think well you probably already know that. This is about staying in touch with you. Keeping you in the Barker fold. Keeping you as much the eldest brother in the Barker house as you ever were. Days continue to pass and days continue to have their moments. The wounds still open and raw. They always will be because you are such an amazing part of our jigsaw that makes our family. Nothing more frustrating, than having a missing piece of a jigsaw. Anger, frustration, anxiety, sadness and pain all words that we will learn to live with in having the missing jigsaw piece. All we can do is try to relish and grab positive elements in each part of this remarkable yet somewhat daunting ride…… Life. I love you darling, I shall wait for the next cuddle when you visit me again. Love from Mummy Always and Forever xxx