Darling Thi. Happy Christmas my lovely. The boys have opened their presents and they are over the moon. It is a joy to see them open with delight. It seemed easier for them this year, in particular Jos. I worry for him, as I know he hurts so much. It just takes a while for it to let it out. The general consensus today from the boys is ‘BEAST’. I believe that means they are pleased with their presents! They loved their Thi day presents too. LFC tops and snoods saying their name and 23. We had another wonderful day with the family remembering you. Quietly sharing in your beauty. It has taken me two years to be able to take photos of just the three boys. It has turned my stomach every time I tried to take a pic of your three beautiful brothers. There is such a void when I take the picture, more when I see it printed. It just isn't complete. I have to accept the incompletion. It has taken me two years to get to a point where I can accept taking photos of the boys. They need memories from now on and I can't deny them memories because I still can't trust the world and I need to cover all my bases. The Christmas festivities have come and gone with elements of ease and elements of heartache. January proves to be my biggest challenge. I relive for the first time every aspect of your being. I am like a bee in a trapped honey pot. Flighting from one beautiful memory to the next then I am suffocated with pain of missing you. Jos had started complaining of feeling sore and I struggle to relax. I am so worried for him that I will end up having up go through all your torture again. I ache with pain and anxiety which surpasses all things. Everyday I am waiting for that bloody brick wall. I wish it would leave me. A fence is fine or a hedge! But please no more 8ft brick walls. Certain days are lighter than others refreshing, comfortable and soul lifting. As we embark on a day out with one of our best friends we drive past the cemetery in Chobham. "Hello Thisy" was my call. "Love you Thi" started Xav completed with Jos " hope you are chilling out" " with the ladies!" Concluded Xav. Lighter spirits, in love with our Thisy. We thought you may have quite liked and laughed heartedly at that one! Thisy I find myself shuddering when I hear the all too commonly used phrase they lost their fight to cancer. I know I bang on about it but it really is something that grates on me. My darling you did not loose, you were a complete winner accepting those words from me " yes my darling you will die" …how you turned that destroying news into something so positive I will never understand. You are so amazing and for me the epitome of success and therefore for me you came first in your win. I would love to be given the opportunity to change the way people think with this phrase. Yes cancer is a fight. My god we know how much you fought the bloody awful tumour growing so hideously fast inside your small body. But you NEVER lost my darling. The fight came to an end and you accepted that end which means you won. All cancer sufferers regardless of the outcome win through shear courage and determination. You are my world of beauty and wonder and both daddy and myself are immensely proud of you. Thisy I have just had the most amazing conversation with Jos. He has grown up matured so much. He has acknowledged that his Christmas was better than last. To be fair we could have given them the world and they would have still been low. The one thing they wanted and needed was you and the pain of knowing I couldn’t give that to them was unbearable. Jos talked about this year and about how he is able to have meltdowns now and he himself concluded that it was because he has grown up and he thinks differently now. His biggest battle is with not knowing what you would look like now. There is a gap and our time has stood still. It’s a strange feeling as we continue to grow and age. Jos is also scared of forgetting and I truly understand where he is coming from. We do everything in our power to keep you in the centre of all we do and if I pause and think I get a wave of panic run through my blood as I begin to forget elements of your glorious 10 years. Thank God I was and still am so particular about my photograph albums. My darling today's truck unexpectedly ploughed into me. I opened a card from America it was from our wonderful friends that looked after you at Proton. They all wrote about how wonderful you were. Your grace your bravery. And how much they missed you. We all miss you. I fell and reminisced living and loving our time together in America. How I wish we could have that time back again. Today yet again our family are dealing with another brick wall. I cant go into detail now but then I guess you know and pray you are watching over her. This time I do believe we will climb the wall and get ourselves over the other side. Whilst I'm getting phone calls telling me how well the op has gone I am relieved beyond belief and yet there is still a very small portion of me that pains….. Why couldn’t you have had the op and maybe you would still be here? Xav, Jonas and I sit for a long time talking about you and they want to know the beginning to the end of your illness. As we trawled through the months from diagnosis to your end Xav simply said. “Why did cancer have to come and ruin all our good memories of Thi.” Then Jonas pipes up “yes now I don't have anyone to play with.” I always wanted 4 for evenness it’s the virgo in me! Jonas finishes by saying he hates 3 because xav and jos play and he is left out. There will always be one left out now even as much as we try to make it even. Xav is incensed and says “we will always be 4. Mummy and Daddy have always got 4 boys.” For the first time ever I hid my tears from them and said bravely you are so right darling. I hid my tears because they were talking so freely together I wanted them to be unafraid to speak. There is a time and a place for sharing tears. This wasn't one if them. Thisy you inspired us to make Jos' birthday amazing. Whilst we relived your driving experience with Grally and Baba we realised we could do the same for Jos. It was a wonderful weekend. Jos said “tonight mummy, it's been the best. My birthday, driving a car was formidable, having my cousins today was excellent and district sport football tomorrow.” Easily pleased but more proud of the fact that his competitive streak hasn't faded with you. Jos was most anxious that he wouldn’t knock over any more cones than you did! I love the competition in his heart. You don’t have to be physically there to still be part of all they do. You always will be. Today, I thought I would be ok but there is a strange feeling inside almost like an anxiety. I wonder what my 13 year old would look like, would you be grunting at me, arguing and then messing around with me? I will never know now and that is the emptiness and void a small black hole. Strangely Jos Tony and Xav had dreams about you last night. You visited them in different ways. Xav was given £10 and he used his money to buy you back. If only it was as simple as that. We miss you so much and as the boys grow up my heart skips a beat as I hear you and see small parts of you in them. Love you darling, miss every inch of you. Always and Forever Mummy xx