Dear Thisy I knew after your event I was going to walk into a brick wall where I would fall for a while. Today was that day. I know why, it is because I had to find Xavier's birth certificate and whilst I found his I found yours. I knew what was in the folder, other than birth certificates, but I am constantly compelled to go further and enter the emotional risk. I just can't walk away and I don't know why yet. I found your death certificate. How does a mother or father in one breath celebrate and remember the birth and in the next bleed from the death? The folder also had two beautiful photographs of you at 8 months old. Young, naïve, pensive. Thank God I didn't know then that I would have to say goodbye to you too soon. As we congregate as a family at the end of the day it transpires that 3 out of 5 have fallen today. Jos so eloquently told me of his first meltdown since the day I told him nearly two years ago that you were going to die. Two years is a long time to store such pain. But he was remarkable. He crashed and was helped back up on his feet again. I'm not sure what is hardest knowing your brothers pain and being completely unable to take it away or dealing with my own pain. It is just pure, raw, open wounds that every now and again get salt thrown at them, just when you think they are closing up and healing. We will never heal Thi, because if we do then that will mean we have forgotten you. We will never forget you darling boy and so we will continue to learn to live with the wounds. Well Thisy your Jos needs you right now. He is experiencing the pain of not knowing you now. Wondering what you would look like wondering what you would say to each other. I understand exactly what he is saying. It is so hard to think that your time has physically stopped. I want to imagine you as the years pass but it's so hard. Jos needs some support but I am so proud of him that he is telling me his falls and what helps to alleviate them. I have made him a book in a Jack Wills notebook of pictures remembering his happy times with you his big brother. He says it helps and whenever he falls at school he has a few minutes alone with you and his book of wonderful memories. He misses you so much. I wanted to be able to tell Jos the pain will go but we have always been honest. So I said. "It will never go my lovely but you will learn to live and cope with it better in time”, a long time, some time never? As I struggle on through the lower part of life after your event I am reliving your end. I am following, by choice, a beautiful boy who reminds me so much of you. He is brave, inspirational and accepting of his end. He too has cancer and quite frankly is pissed off with another drip, line, tube, drug, blood the list is endless. He and his family are fantastic and I can only share snippets of what we did to make your final days perfectly complete. He, like you, is a wiser soul than many and amazes me. Just the same as you have darling. I ask one thing if you can. Guide him through the next phase of his journey. When I am dog walking alone I write to you in my head all the time. It's a time to be at one with you. I'm reflecting a lot at the moment and it seems not to be the presumed last phase in CHASE. Maybe that was a less helpless time. My most painful memories at this moment is the week before we entered CHASE when we were at St George's. We were alone and I felt helpless. There was nothing I could do even as your Mummy to stop your body from caving in. I reflect on the last time I held you. Really held you, if only that moment had not been in trauma. Helplessness exceeds all other painful memories at this moment in time. Every time I see an ambulance pass me I relive that trip to St George's and to CHASE. I never realised until now how utterly petrified you must have felt and yet again I was completely helpless. As a parent helplessness for your child is not comprehensible. Our role is to support, nurture and raise you to adulthood, if only we are given the chance. A feeling of utter uselessness in being unable to make everything ok. No one could have made it ok, but for me now that is where the open wound of pain is bleeding. Everyday is painful but I am reliving day by day every ounce of what we all went through. Thisy it's at my lowest points that I wish I could hold you and smell you just one more time. But one more would never be enough. Yesterday I felt more contented, as contented as I will ever be now. We had no water and I put out that we could sell some of the Red Thi Do water. We made another £30 to add to Steven Gerrard foundation. I am truly at my best when I am active in making a difference to other people and all the time I am doing the fundraising however big or little I feel you there. It makes me feel more complete. Today we are going to watch your Auntie start challenge 23. She is starting with a dip in the sea! Mad, nuts and totally brilliant. You will be watching laughing and loving it. What's more your brother wants to join in to support Auntie Col Col and do it in memory of you his very much loved and missed brother. I think he has just realised it is ok to miss you and to acknowledge it hurts. Maybe he too finds the pain eased by doing something for you, because of you. Be with him darling, guide him through his painful times. Tomorrow is your day. 9.15 am 2 years ago I watched you leave us. Daddy and I by your side holding your hand telling you it would be fine and that we love you. I forgot to say I will see you again and whilst I have much to do here my darling I long to be with you again. Right now your brothers and Daddy need me and I need them. I am longing to get the chance to see the boys as grown ups, reach teenage years and adult hood yet I still don't trust that I will. I live in constant hope. Today my darling boy on 23rd your Thi day we will celebrate again your beautiful life with the family. We shall eat your favourite foods and revel in the fact that for today, or at least until the arsenal v Chelsea match tonight, LIVERPOOL are top of the league! Rock on LFC you'll never walk alone. Thi you are our bright star and we love you so much. We all miss your infectious laugh and your beautiful face. I miss you resting on my shoulder as you used to sidle up to me for love and affection and often a very cheeky giggle. I would risk all the pain again for just one more touch, one more kiss and one more chance to cherish your smell. Love you darling Always and Forever. Mummy x