Darling Thi So this journal entry has taken a while to get me writing until now, after being recalled for a mammogram. This last week we have existed rather than lived. Anxiety that is so familiar to us. Before I continue, all is well and I am clear of any further tests or treatment. Such a small insight into your ordeal Thi. A reality now that we just couldn’t trust that ‘everything would be ok’ We have said that far too many times with you to know never to trust that again. But this time we are safe. This has been a strange month darling. Everyone seems to have ‘smoothed’ out. Jos seems so strong and grown up, so able to deal with the emotions of his ever growing mind. Xavier continues to test our strength with his contagious character. I always know he is fine as he never fails to let us know. Jonas has much to re learn about what we have all been through. He has found a passion. Gardening, and asked me if he could garden this weekend with his new gardening tools, housed safe and sound by the side of his bed under your pictures. We will be attacking your garden this weekend to make it beautiful again. I have been very busy organising your next event. After such a success with Red Thi Do. I am desperate for this to be right too. I am working on e mailing people and meeting people. New people that are crossing my path because of you. Having met one glorious lady i felt we connected. At the end of our talking she explained about her dad's sudden death and how her perfect completion wasn't achieved. I felt so much for her and I realised how lucky we were to have the death that we had with you. I do believe you can have a good death. She ended by saying that the pain of her Dad dying was nothing compared to mine and daddy's pain when we kissed you goodbye. Are there degrees of pain when it comes to loss? Pain is pain, which cause you to fall usually at the most unexpected times. At a fall you have to rely on your friends and loved ones to pick you up. Those people are the people who keep you up on your feet all the time and allow you to slump now and again. In the occasional fall in loneliness it is important to remind myself that whilst feeling lonely in pain I am not alone as there are others sharing their loneliness too. As years are now moving on Thi I feel you close to me less frequently. There are few recognised moments when I feel you there. When I do feel you I feel warmth run through my body and my mind runs away with itself. I search for you in the hope I will see you. I look ahead of me, behind me and in mirrors, when I am cleaning my teeth or in the car. Alas, seeing you is something I can't do and yet I still search without thinking, with complete hope in my heart. I love feeling you close and I long for that to occur more frequently. Maybe it is time to slow my busy brain down and give myself time to think about being close to you. Today I found anger within me for the first time since you died. We have spent a long time trying to get your headstone organized. Having to make it just right and finding the right words was beyond contemplation. Why am I angry? No other reason that it's wrong. We as parents should not have to think about getting a headstone for our son. We should be deciding what football boots are next on the list to buy. It's not fair and even more unfair that it costs so much. More than our wedding! Such a costly thing when we don't want to be doing it anyway. But like all things we have to learn to accept, and ride the stormy sea. The torment was eased by meeting an amazing man from Lodge brothers (a local funeral director) He too was a reception teacher for 20 years. We talked about teaching children about the circle of life, which included death. Is this my direction? Who knows? We had so much in common and they were truly lovely in helping me sort my head around the anger. Part 1 accepted. Having to change what we really want for your headstone?......Mmmm well I'm working on that but it seems to be more of a challenge! Standing in the post office I over hear a man speaking to a customer “ah it's nearly your birthday?” He said ‘yes but nothing to celebrate when you get to my age.’ He responded. How I stopped myself from shouting “you have everything to celebrate, you have years that other people don’t have’. Writing helps as I am writing this standing in the line, overhearing the conversation and waiting to post a birthday parcel to your uncle who clearly will be celebrating his years. I think the writing is getting me out of all sorts of potentially awkward situations. Today has been a constant stab in the heart. I realise that I have been very busy with the event planning and when I reflect on the business I get scared. Scared I'm not giving enough time to you. It's a good wake up call and it turns everything on its head for a while, where every ounce of strength is drained from me. I can't even talk to Jos’ district football coach without tears rolling down my face. You would be so proud of Jos at the moment. So many people have said how good a goalie he is. I'm a little simple when it comes to knowing a good goalie. Of course mummy always thinks her children are the best because quite frankly you are! But when I stand on a touch line that is not so familiar to me and I over hear fully grown men say how fantastic he is I fill with pride that this once quiet, scared, and now bruised young boy has achieved such brilliance. He has saved so many goals today to get the team through to the cup finals for the wonderful GPR too. You and jos would so adore playing together, sharing your expertise and love. He misses you so much but I promised you the day we spoke about your death that the boys will be ok. Mummy and daddy are doing everything in their power to make them ok darling. For you. It is a scary few months for us. Jos is now at the age where you went into relapse and we had to start the chemo again. I will never forget the day I had to tell you. You ran away and shouted in my face ‘So America and the chemo before was all for nothing’ The anger in your eyes resembled fear that I had never ever seen before. I ached for you. I could do nothing but stand there for you, when you were ready to let me hold you. Tears falling down our faces and shouting the pain away. With Jos at this age we are embarking on the months that you had to struggle through. In December we will celebrate that Jos has made your age with health and happiness and I will then be learning what the next stage is all about. I pray I am not bitter about him achieving the age where you were not allowed. I am expecting some sadness and now that I have concluded that birthdays are harder than celebrating the day you died I shall be prepared to feel the pain surrounded by the relief and love of still have three healthy children living with me physically. I shall never take any one of you boys for granted again. My life, My soul, my four boys. Jos has had to have his hair cut rather dramatically and you will remember all too well the reasoning for that! When I glance at him in your jack wills hoodie and his slender body I see you. When your hair started to grow back and we all thought we were free. You took so much, you accepted all of it and that makes me the proudest mummy around. I miss you darling every second of my day. Some seconds are bearable some are more painful than I will ever be able to explain. You are my everything, you are my all, you are part of me and when that pain is at it's worse there is part of me that has gone. I love you darling so much it truly does hurt. Always and Forever Thisy I love you Mummy xx