Who would have thought that leaving Florida was harder than arriving? Arriving had a sense of nervousness and anxiety of the unexpected. Leaving was pure sadness not just from the sun and fun, it ran much deeper than that. I felt strongly that Thi was very much with us in Florida. I felt a closeness that was comforting and very strong. I suspected that my sadness was about being scared that Thisy wouldn’t be with us when we walked back into our home. To me it is simple, Florida is all about Thi. Without our Thisy we would not know Florida at all. It is because of Thi that we now have a love for Florida. Anything or anyone that has been part of our long arduous journey is part of us and I guess that includes the glorious, bright, sunny Florida. Departure and take off rendered me in more pain. During take off I looked through pictures on my phone of Thisy well and unwell. Anything that cropped up on the screen made me ache. Seeing Thisy’s face on my phone made me address the deeper level of emotion and the more painful level. I scrutinised each line and mark on his face and could almost touch him again. If only. I guess I kept my emotions unconsciously on a higher level in Florida to protect us or maybe, I genuinely felt on a higher level because of the close bond between Thi and ourselves. I saved the fall until the end of Florida, until take off. When we booked to return to Florida we thought it was going to be a trip to ensure closure yet our wonderful experience has just proved it is another chapter waiting to be written. I just wish we could go out more frequently. Knowing the cost is too vast to be able to do it yearly may have been a more pressing pain reason on departure, but this is the real world and you just cant do everything. Thisy is Florida and like one of his best friends said, she had been talking to Thi and said that Thi had watched us all at the parks and he suggested not to go back home as it was just too cold! True Thi style. We love you Thi and life without you in all honesty is unbearable at times. Returning home we all had a long time trying to adjust. Jonas and myself more than the others. I have realised that when the family are together yet away from the home setting, for example, a holiday Jonas is like Velcro to Tony. This is just as he was in CHASE. That poor little boy is potentially feeling grief and worry whenever we are in that situation. Even having to leave Jonas at playschool he is crying and not wanting to be left. Is this grief or simply a phase? For this little 4 year old does a separation of any kind mean having to kiss goodbye someone you love. Leaving him sad Leaves me broken and having to be strong. I remember the days when leaving a crying child at playschool was just something they had to get on with now it is a concern about a 4 year olds grieving process. Jonas talks about Thi all the time and remembers lovely times they had and only today I over heard him say to his friends that he misses Thisy. The week following our return was horrendous. From sun and swimming pools to snow, rain and cold. Jonas crying that he “only likes the sun”. I know the feeling, I think many people are feeling it now! Jonas slowly adjusts to not being Tony’s Velcro and having to be separated from his Dada. Thi used to call Tony Dada, a little reminder that Thi is still very much at the centre of Team Barker. So many things that Jonas does reminds us of Thi, including his laziness!!! Jonas in his desperation in being separated from Tony results in him having enormous hissy fits as we call them and In Doing so renders me momentarily a useless parent! How long does one stay in control of what you know under the surface could be deep pain that we all feel. This reverts back to what my niece said ‘that any breakdown ends up being about Thi’. Leaving Jonas crying and in solidarity at Playschool I attempt to continue my daily routine. After the playschool drop off it didn’t take much to rock the boat. I was in my spinning class and half way through my love for Thi could not be contained any longer. Queen ‘don’t stop me now’ was played, and I collapsed, I ran out and sobbed like a baby in front of the whole gym! I didn't care I was rock bottom and was caught by my friends yet again. Where exactly would I be without friends and family? I don't even want to answer that as it would not be a pretty place. My week remained saddened until a busy weekend with my university lovelies. A house full entertaining and I am busily comforted again. The Monday following the weekend saw a very different aspect to my life. A grown up, professional meeting with Mercedes Benz World. Why? Well listen carefully......! Knowing that I had decided to do some fund raising a friend approached me and asked if I had thoughts. Which I clearly was running through some rather dodgy ideas in my head! Her suggestion was a twist on a black tie do. A red Thi Do. I was swallowed into action with goose bumps cascading my body. I was in it hook, line and sinker. No sooner said than done 2 became 6 and a committee started and an enormous amount of help outside of the immediate 6 enabled us to start organising. I will always be eternally grateful to all you loving and wonderful advisors out there. Clinching a venue was our first job. We kept trying to make it a small, gentle, quiet affair, as we were novices but something kept throwing us into bigger and better. Was it Thi saying Go on? So after much negotiating and honesty the Red Thi Do has been arranged on 23rd November (of course 23!) something's are meant to be! It is being held at Mercedes Benz World with caterers Absolute Taste. If you don't know them well get googling! Thi was a labels lad! He loved nothing more than the finest. He's got it! So many wonderful auction prizes and entertainment to boot. This will be a huge thank you to Steven Gerrard and SGF for completing our beautiful boys far too short a life. Whilst meeting at MBW I had the fortune to meet with the director of Absolute Taste. He was a lovely man who taught me something amusing, which I related to easily. He said “You can hold things together for only so long until you spill the peas on the floor”. It is so right that a spilt pea moment can resolve the huge amount of pain and sadness inside your body, a let out, a reason to break. This has rather humorously led me onto other pea moments! A petite pois moment where the break is slightly smaller and a mushy pea moment it's all a bit mushy and scrambled inside. I like to address everything I do, even down to the likes of twitter. I have come to realize that I have a mild obsession to follow children with cancer. I question why? and can only conclude I feel all their pain and heartache intensely and maybe just maybe one piece of advice may help them get through a moment. I want to see them get better, maybe so I can learn to trust the world again. However, reading about an 18 year old girl with a rhabdomyosarcoma just like Thi renders me helpless. In my mind I am waiting all the time for the boys to reach 10 years old and then I presume I will feel safer. Reading the 18 year old with it leaves me momentarily broken in trust. Will it be forever? Watching over my shoulder all the time for the next boulder to hit us and try and break us down. Team barker will remain strong but we will always be human and be subject to faltering. The boys are wonderful and definitely Tony and my strength. Despite the horrendous ordeal we have been given to live with I still feel thankful. Thankful that I can hold three gorgeous boys at night, that I have an incredibly supportive and loving husband and amazing friends and family who catch us, scrape us up and put us back on our feet in so many ways. Love runs deeper than any other emotion and that is something we have learnt the most. Our love for Thi never ceases, it never will and I suspect and hope it will just get deeper. Always and forever. x Posted on March 23, 2013