I don’t know how many journals I will be writing now. I think there will come a time when enough is enough. The basics have been said and this will continue forever. There are only so many times we can keep saying it. It is heartache that simply just won’t go away, raw and real. So we learn to live and accept it. We learn to laugh again and then shudder at the pain as we realize we have let go for a brief moment. We learn to look forward because life is pushing us in that direction regardless of our fight to go the other way. I recently read from another mummy who had kissed her child goodbye some very profound and true words. “We are scarred and like a scar it will always be there. It may fade but underneath is the true evidence of raw, open, bleeding pain.” It will always be there twinging reminding us of our love for Thi. That rawness underneath will never cease. Missing is a helpless emotion but one we can’t run from, simply one we learn to live with. I will let next month run its course and see whether a journal naturally appears. I believe if this is meant to continue then the contents will appear without any struggle....... Since January I have been incredibly busy organizing a charity event in memory of Matthias and in aid of the Steven Gerrard Foundation. Whilst being busy is great for being focused it is also very scary too. Scary, because there is a sense of forgetting Thisy. When the mind is active on other things it makes you feel like you have forgotten him if only for a short time. That initial realization of forgetting is like a knife turning in your heart and the guilt is immense. Another moment for the rational and emotional to clash. I realised I need to have time to be at one with Thi, quiet time, just me and Thi time. I think it would be fair to say that it’s the adults turn to stuggle with the death of Matthias. It seems like we are starting the process all over again. Grandad just can't believe Thi isn't here and that he will walk through the door at any moment. I struggle to think how my little boy coped with all his ailments at the end and I relive every bit of his agony. Tony, I think would simply say " I miss that boy so much". Everyone is still so scarred and raw underneath, the fade is a very long way off for us all. Will it truly ever fade? Recently a colleague left for her retirement, quite frankly it was horrendous for me. Not to say goodbye, not that she won't be sitting there doing registers on a Friday, purely and simply because she knows every ounce of what I'm feeling straight from your gut to your heart. That 'in the same family' connection is strong and the support of truly understanding will now not be there at my workplace. I suppose its yet another goodbye. As we held each other crying saying goodbye, deep down I felt it wasn't about her leaving school and retiring it was purely about our boys and our never ending pain and scarring that we share. Hurt can arise at any unsuspecting time. It's as simple as washing your hands. Jos came out of the bathroom and said " that soap smells of mistral room" for those who may not know mistral room is the cooled bedroom where a child that has died lies until the funeral. I took in a deep breath of Jos’ very clean hands and I was thrown back into mistral room holding Thisy’s hand. So how to deal with that? Jos is not an open talker about emotions, he never has been so I feel the more I hit it openly hopefully the more confident he will be to give his feelings when he is ready. He can do it prompted but independently he struggles. "Jos if it hurts to use that soap because its painful inside I can change it." Jos replied "no it's ok I don't mind" I really don’t think he does mind as I think his remembering, whatever that may be, is a comfort to Jos. His life has been turned upside down and I have to learn to respect the fact that Jos has to grieve in his own way. Which he does and is proud to still talk about Thi and keep in our everyday lives. The concept of time I always thought was an adult concept. A great deal of the time seems like only yesterday that we were dealing with the initial trauma of being told there was no more treatment for Matthias, but where exactly have the last 16 months gone? As we count down to our Easter Hoburne holiday I’m trying to settle Xavier. Xav can't sleep and thinking it was excitement I ask him for the last time to settle. He asks " will Harry be there?" (a friend we have made from 4 years ago) I respond " yes darling!" " does he know Thisy is dead?" I answered "he knew last year. We didn't have Thisy with us last year" Xavier looks perplexed and says "was it really that long ago?" painfully we talk about how it feels to think that we have survived so long without Thi. I ask him “ how long does it feel like we have been without Thi physically in our lives?” "about 4 days ago!" was his reply. He too knows that time has no healing yet. I question will it ever? The boys have their scarring too. Hoburne brings the Barker boys together again (cousins too). Heavenly splendour. I love seeing them altogether. The void still there, but cementing the Barker boys’ relationships. There were moments that were painful to watch as Jos played with his yearly friend Harry, a13 year old fun lad. Rolling around in rough and tumbles and hysteria at its height. Sadly I stood watching. Jos returns saying. ‘I love Harry he's such fun.’ 13 year old fun that is so painfully missed. It is wonderful for jos to have that thisy fun back in his life if only for a short while. Delight mixed with pain knowing and seeing what he is missing. Hoburne is cemented in us. It was here 4 years ago that tony and I used to sit and stare at each other in the evenings knowing that something was seriously wrong with Thi. Realizing that he couldn't sit for a meal or relax in comfort to go to sleep it was undiagnosed but serious. Glaring at each other unaware of what we would encounter next. Little did we know that we would be doing Hoburne without Thi physically with us. This year we sat watching video footage of Thi with all the boys, hearing his voice, almost touching his skin. If I stared hard enough at the screen I am convinced I would be able to touch him. Alas no and instead I am left in complete and utter disbelief again. Has this really happened to us? Are we really having to deal with not having our eldest son run up to us and give us cheek. I Pinch myself and I fall into belief. Painful scarring belief. The week as ever was wonderful for the boys, it will never be the same but Thi keeps us going there as I guess it would feel wrong if we weren't meant to be doing it. Returning home and back to work is always a struggle. Tony in particular feels saddened It’s hateful having to return from family fun and hit the reality of mundane working life. For some of us I think being with the boys all week heightens our missing of Thi. When I explain to the boys that daddy is hurting a little at the moment Jos listens and is silent unable to cope with his daddy's sadness, Xav coherently says. " Oh mummy that makes me feel bad inside" I agree and believe it is important to address that we will all forever have that feeling inside and that its ok to be feeling that way. In talking with the boys about how it’s ok to feel bad inside I suggest to them that we have to find ways of turning that pain into good feelings. The Music on the radio gets cranked up and we are rocking singing loudly to the radio on route to our next play date. Yet again life pushes us forward. I watch the boys playing and perpetually I am turning my head as I hear and see glimpses of Thi in the boys. A short sharp intake of breath as I believe for a split second he is there waiting to be touched. Tony with the boys in his arms just this morning said “it's so lovely that you are your own little people but also wonderful that bits of Thi are shining through you making us complete.” Complete in a very different way. We will never feel complete or whole in a satisfied way. The words in the lion king have the complete understanding of this. " He lives in you, he lives in me. He watches over everything we see. Into the water, into the truth. In your reflection He lives in you." And may he ALWAYS and FOREVER live on in our boys. Matthias Thank you for the wonderful years you gave us. The best ten years of your Mummy, Daddy and brothers life. Always and Forever our beautiful boy x Posted on April 23, 2013