This month’s journal seems to have taken longer to come around. I am not quite sure why but maybe, just maybe that is a sign of settling into the new routine that we have now. Maybe it is because i have been so busy too with various new things keeping my adrenalin high, a good tonic I have discovered. However, there are always things to say with regards to the children and how they cope everyday without Thi. Xavier's behaviour periodically plummets to a point of desperation and always without fail results in his sadness in missing Thi. It is just as his big cousin said "any meltdown ends up being about Thisy" after all Thi is at the root of all of us. We can't expect to keep Thi central to our lives in all we do and say and not accept the flip side to the coin. I have noticed this pattern of late and we conclude that this is simply his grieving process. A big challenge this month was not dealing with just my children's grief but all the children that meant something to Thi or mean something to us now. A group of children surround me after school one day distressed that the Memory wall at school has been taken down with no explanation to them. I didn't realise the value of that tree to the children until it wasn't there. I was upset for the children that all I had done in a year to keep The memory of Thi real to them had been broken down in 5 minutes flat. A memory book has been created with pictures and space to comment on as the children feel necessary which is a wonderful alternative to the wall. A little forewarning for the children was all that was required. We, as a family, wouldn’t have got through Thi’s deterioration or death and funeral without the children being perpetually forewarned about the next phase. Still, I feel the children from school would appreciate and in fact benefit from a short explanation. For me this was a confirmation of my last journal, where after a year there is the fear that ‘one’ can simply move on and everything will be back to normal. Well, normal doesn't exist anymore for us and it never will. I accept for those less attached to Team Barker there is a point of moving on. But moving on and forgetting is not part of our story. Moving on with Thi at our centre of existence is the only book you will read. Here is my learning, of trying to accept that some people not associated with being part of team Barker will move on and of course quite rightly so. When i told my boys that the wall wasn't going to be there they were deeply saddened and i had to do my best to talk it through with them. Jos simply answered. "They could have asked first". Indeed, my very clever, in touch with the world boy. I am so proud of that. Xavier, that night simply held Thisy bear and said holding his bear to his picture of Thi “I wish this bear was in Thisy’s arms.” We need say no more. Always and forever my boys. We are grateful for the memory book and those involved in making it as special as the tree. A few weeks ago we had a wonderful time visiting CHASE, which we haven’t done as a family for a long time. On route we had the obvious memories of Thi talk and then Xavier became his usual gushing self about wishing for Thi. We had a long winded explanation about how he would be able to face time Thi on his ipod in heaven if he got a hot air balloon etc etc. Jonas in a true 4 year old fashion brings us down to earth as he simply can not fathom what on earth Xavier is trying to say. Jonas turns round to Xavier and said “you are silly he cant he's dead.” Brutal you may think but it broke the tension before we entered CHASE as we all collapsed into laughter. The visit was wonderful and the children loved the time they had there as always. In all that I do in my day to day living I have come to realize that it’s the unexpected that throws me into a breakdown. I do spinning (of the bike variety) every week and have found it brilliant for body and soul even though there is a strong sense of a love hate relationship with it. One week we were spinning away and then Queen ‘don't stop me now’ started playing. The physical and emotional pain met at a great rate and resulted in sweat and tears literally. Played in the wrong place and caught unawares. The unexpected has a lot to answer for in the falls. We decided last year that we needed to go back to Jacksonville and Orlando to draw a line under our time of treatment for Thi. Before departing there was immense pressure that we were doing the correct thing for all the family. Tony and I had to just trust that if it was right to book it last year, then it would be still right for us to carry the time through. We arrived in jax and experienced all the places we went to with Thi. The boys were brilliant and loved all we did. We managed to complete everybody’s wishes and expecting to feel pain and hurt at certain points meant we were very much in control. It was the unexpected that threw me into discomfort. Jax pier was very special to us as on our last day 2 years ago a kind man took us on board and taught us how to catch sting ray. Thi caught numerous sting ray and Greg (the man ) became part of our journey. Alas this time Greg was not on our pier but instead another fisherman obviously had a catch on his line and we waited to see what his tea would be. No tea but a stingray. No other stingray was caught whilst we were there just the one…..for us. Feeling relaxed and confused as to why we felt comfortable we concluded it was because we were expecting to feel emotional and therefore were prepared. I wasn’t expecting to walk into the pier toilets and be hit by a brick wall. The very same loo where I took Thisy and administered his various creams and pain killers to enable him to carry on his part of the journey. A brick wall, a flash back and a stab followed by a sense of panic rippling through my body. I wish you were still here Thi to play and laugh and even have a strop, I wouldn’t care. During all the wonderful things in Jax there was also a feeling of guilt. Both Tony and I felt guilty that this experience was easier, less stressful without worrying about Thi. Hideous to feel like that and as Tony I talk it through we realise what we have done in florida and been given is all because of Thi and cancer. We then start to question how we are sitting in a soft play area with the boys in Jacksonville. I don't think we ever took life for granted may be we did? Was it a lesson to us? who knows but all we do know is that we would give everything up just to have Thisy with us again. In all we have done in jax there has, on one hand, been a normality to it and a true sense of his closeness.and then on the other hand, a huge hit of realisation that Thi isn't in that seat in the car or sitting at the burger table. Sometimes feeling that Thi is near is a comfort and other times its not enough. Nothing compares to touching him and then that hour in heaven to see him seems like a wonderful thought. Our jax stay was topped with visiting Proton and visiting the people we love the most in Jax. Tricia who ‘saved’ us for 3 months. Leaving her this time was sad and the boys really did love being with her, part of our journey and our family. Thank you Tricia. Natalie, Danny and Annie treated us to a wonderful evening where we met another wonderful family who sadly has the same story as us. It was so lovely to be altogether, my boys loving Natalie and Danny’s girls and all being at one. We thank you. We now know that a line hasnt been drawn under Jax but that a very wide open space has been created for our return one day as Jax was part of our journey with Thi and is therefore, deeply set within us. we shall return someday and hope if our lovely friends from Jax visit UK we will be able to host and look after them. The day that followed our Jax trip was Waiting, anticipating The Grants arrival, rendering us all high as kites. We had lunch at longhorn to while away the hours. We decided on sharing a massive desert and it was like 3 excited vultures attacking their prey. The server as they say in the US says “you want to try that with 4!” I'd love to be doing it with 4 if only he knew what he had said. Then I truly wanted him to know that I had 4 but that would just be unfair and unkind on him as I would have to explain. Amazing how a high can be a low so fast. Moving on to Orlando bought a treat. Our lovely friends The Grants met us to share in the remainder of the holiday. Hotter weather, a pool and of course the parks. The empty seat in the car was sat in, the empty table at the restaurant was filled and the 6th ticket for a park was brushed over easily with the 6 children all bundling in together. Each child found their niche and were loving being together. Mons, so grown up and beautiful, just like Thi would be too. Joseph, unknowingly helping Jos in a big brother sort of way and Flo, well, all Xav wanted to do when she arrived was smoodgy smoodgy her!! As for Jonas, beautifully mothered by them all. Thank you Grants for making this bearable, fun and completely Brilliant. With the pictures of Thi on the fridge he is a true reminder of why we are all here. He is Florida. Always and forever our gorgeous boy x In all that I do, no matter where I am I am perpetually thrown into disbelief. Looking at pictures to do with Thi for his memory book and I am looking and agreeing to the wonderful creations yet I am looking and still don't believe he has died. It's just not right or fair. Planning a charity event I am thrown around on adrenalin and then I am hot with the realisation this is all in honour of not just some child but my first born beautiful boy. Visiting Jacksonville and Orlando and we still expect Thi to walk into the room and be part of all we are. Strangely emotive and hideously surreal. The missing and emotion of Thisy’s physical absence is heightened as the holiday draws to a close. A final theme park day and I find myself missing him so intensely but we just walk on and fulfill the day for the children. A while ago I was doing some research Googling Steven Gerrard and to my surprise Thisy Barker pops up! Loving it Loving it! However, it was a link to the journals, which I chose to re read, something i don’t usually do. It made me realise what you read and the impact it may have for you all. It must be hard to read and whilst I read it all these emotions are there at many different times in the month. Up and down all the time. Anything I write is for the moment and nothing is directed to my loved ones, I know some people worry that what I have written is directed to a comment or an event. You readers are my support and I would never use my boys’ journal in such a manner. I am a Virgo kids I’d tell you straight or not at all! That you must believe. These things spring into mind and simply need saying. Changing our views? Looking at things differently? Food for thought? Or simply my emotions and thoughts surrounding the death of my most beautiful boy on a page. We love you Thi Always and Forever x I would like to finish with 3 wishes that Jos has…………. 1. No body or animal gets ill 2. Thi could come back 3. To be a Goalie for Liverpool. If I could I would fulfill all of these for him, but sadly two out of three are completely out of my hands. All I can promise is that we will keep Thi in the center of our lives forever. Always and forever x Posted on February 23, 2013