A Rollercoaster of Presumptions and emotions Being told that the build up to the anniversary of Matthias’ death was going to be worse than the actual day was completely accurate. For me, with 36 family members in my house to love and hold made the day come and go without as much pain as if we were alone. For Tony, the enormity of family being together simply enhanced the void that there was just one precious boy missing. One person that loved being in the center of family life. Concerned I had enforced the gathering on everyone I asked Jos his feelings on it and he did answer by saying “ without everyone it would have been unthinkable” I suppose it is the wide age range of children in our family that I am seriously focused on. From 18 to 4 and I want to hold up and protect them all. Definitely not hide them from the reality of what is, but to face it with support and understanding. If we can get all these children to adulthood and God willing parenthood without any damage from the expected hurt then we will have done well. No easy task but one that has been set out for us. Thi day presents for the boys were received brilliantly. Xav had a Diablo and said immediately on opening “ I remember Thi was doing his Diablo in the garden really high. It was wicked” He then proceeded to sing whilst lobbing his Diablo around our room ‘This could be the greatest day of our lives’. Strange, but somehow, quite lovely. Jos then stood with his new pink ‘Thisy top’ in the mirror, lifted his arms into strong man position and said “mmm nice and short and it shows off my guns!!” Thi I am sure would have loved that comment! So Christmas Eve, Christmas day and boxing day all came and went exceptionally well for me and not so easily for Tony. Despite the void we were thrilled that the boys were still excited for Christmas in its own light and that the death of Matthias hadn’t clouded the day. Something we were almost proud about. I would hate for the boys to dread Christmas so early on in their lives. So, my presumption was that as soon as we had the anniversary life would resume to its slightly different but ‘normal’ life. How wrong could I have been. I, for want of a better word, slumped. I struggled with the next few days. Empty days, dull rainy days and horrendously sad and lonely days, even though I was surrounded by Tony and the boys. I felt nothingness and pain, real stabbing pain of missing. We started on sorting out the loft in those quiet days and the last box of clothing belonging to Matthias was siting there looking at us. A sad realisation that those were the last clothes. The realisation that we have nothing more ahead of us from Matthias to live on, only memories of all that has been. However, seeing Matthias’ tops on Jos’ back instead of lifeless in a box was a comfort and easier seeing them loved instead unused and lifeless. Jos wears his brothers’ tops through choice and with pride. However, I am sure these tops will skip a few hearts when seen, worn only a year ago by our beautiful boy. The agony disappeared once our friends arrived to help us celebrate the New Year. I was loving entertaining and having fun days out, including visiting Mercedes Benz world. We last visited Mercedes with Matthias where he drove a car independently and sat in the SLS at high speed. The day was completed with an amazing show of fireworks….Nov 5th 2011.That was Matthias’ last outing. Seeing the boys and their friends all bundle in together sharing games and conversations strengthens my inner being. Having more children in my house always comforts me and makes me feel more complete. So I presumed that after the anniversary life would be normal. I was clearly wrong, so then, I believed wholeheartedly that if that wasn’t the case then when we return to the school routine I would be ok again! Not so, the time came for me to process what on earth was going on with the pain and stabbing as I knew I couldn’t go on any more feeling useless. So it goes like this…………Firstly, I was worried about people forgetting about Matthias. Now a year has gone would people think its all ok again? The saying ‘the firsts are the worst’ frightened me into thinking that after the first everyone would presume the pain and missing goes. It will never be gone and in a strange way I never want it to, as that would take away the whole emphasis of Matthias being at the center of our lives. This is all about the rational and emotional fighting against each other again and my over active mind trying to make sense. Secondly, having time on my hands. Time is a strange thing, often I am lost in time. Lost with a sense of desperation, time allows for my soul to weep, far more intensely than it has in previous months. So categorically I can say that the grief of missing Matthias simply gets harder as we try to rationalise these emotions. An aching heart is hard to beat, it takes a lot of will power and stamina. So we get our brains into gear in order to move forward as we try to accept the ache as another year of not having our boy embarks, with less ease than initially thought. Thirdly, anxiety is playing a huge role in my sadness. My anxieties had been at an all time high, especially when I returned to the school routine and everything I presumed would be normal again. Alas no. Jos is at the age when Thi was diagnosed. I live each heartbeat wondering if I will see any of my babies beyond 10. This makes me feel quite helpless if I allow it to. If one of the children are ill I cant just accept that they have a virus, it is cancer. If Jos has a limp from a football injury, it is bone cancer and I have had a headache for a few weeks constantly affecting the right eye. That too in my anxiety was a brain tumour. How I wish I could just walk away from these anxieties but they are far too strong an emotion to just ignore and in the end it got the better of me. Fortunately I am not one to sit still for too long and addressing them was the quickest way out. A trip to my glorious Dr, and eye appointment , a phone call to chase and a whole lot of catches from my beloved friends lessened my anxieties and I clearly DO NOT have a brain tumour just a stronger pair of glasses!!!! Jesting apart this was a hideous time and I pray this eases with time. I also need to thank my friends and Tony for getting me through the swamp of emotions. I guess its about trusting the world again, we have been let down so violently we have to trust the world again, so that we can simply enjoy life to the full as it is all too short. Finally, for this month anyway, there are too many emotions that creep in when you are in a lower state and another is simple and pure jealousy. When I see mothers with 4 or more children I have a feeling inside that leaps within in a bad way and it is pure jealousy. We can all say as much as we like that we will always have 4, which we will, but it doesn’t compare to the real physical sense of touching and smelling. Nothing compares to the power of touch especially of your child. Remember that next time they get under your feet. Try to trip over them, catch them and just hold them. If I had my time again with Thi I would trip over him and hold him everytime instead of the obvious “will you get out of my way”. So we have to take one emotion at a time and process it so we can prevent an exploding carrier bag. If we don’t then we will only be left with a complete mess. Meanwhile, I now realise my two youngest boys were picking up on my emotional fall. Xav was put to bed one night without a book which ended in huge tears and shouting. It concluded with him saying “I just miss Thi” of course he does so I showed him some pictures of Thisy and talked about some good times. He went to bed silently with Thisy’s bear securely wrapped in his arms. For Jonas the school run was being used as a means to scream all the way and thus be dragged all the way to school. I at the end of a hideous school run broke. My 18 year old neice was staying and she said “ It doesn’t matter what melt down you have it always ends in tears about missing Thisy”. I liked this and thought about it and realized that she was completely right. Xav being the prime example of it and on reflection my own emotions run to this truth. A comfort for me though, are the signs I receive to show that Thi is always with us. Tony and I had to make an important decision, which we successfully did and immediately we had decided my two signs from Thi were given to me. For me, it felt like confirmation of our decision. Being confident in making decisions allows for a more comfortable existence. It’s when you can’t decide that you are sat in the middle of discomfort. Jos concludes this months journal for me when he opened up and out of nowhere said “ Mummy I wish we could spend just one hour in heaven so we can see Thisy.” We discussed this and certainly liked the idea of being able to see him and be with him again, if only for a short time, but in reality could we actually face saying goodbye again? Would an hour ever be enough? We concluded not and realised that we would simply have to wait until the day we were together again, forever. Something I believe and teach to the boys but in an old man way, with their own family and grandchildren…..Please, God willing just like a normal family. During this month of floundering I stumbled across something that I wish to address. The saying ‘one has lost their loved one’ is far too negative to say. We have not lost Matthias, lost has connotations with gone. We spend everyday trying to keep Matthias at the forefront of our lives in the center of the family and therefore he is far from lost but always with us in heart, mind and soul. He always will be, for all the years to come. I will now simply say Matthias died, I will never have lost him. And so today we will celebrate Matthias’ 12th birthday with some of his close friends, visit the grave altogether and return home to have a party most probably to Queen playing in the background! After all said and done ‘He is the champion my friends!’ We love you Matthias Always and forever our beautiful, cherished and deeply missed boy. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING X Posted on January 23, 2013