Half a year has gone passed since i held my beautiful boy. The most painful of months and yet the most learning i have ever done. Learning i would rather have not had to endure but learning non the less, and as a teacher i love to share with you as the whole of my being is to make people understand. My vocation to teach is therefore a vocation in making people understand. Death is horrendous and painful but something we should learn to be more open about so that it isn't something we are scared to talk about. We remember from previous journals that by talking about Thi we are keeping him alive in our hearts. Yes we may cry and it may trigger emotion but that is the being comfortable to be vulnerable bit, which in turn allows us to show we love Thi......Always and forever. So time heals......No it doesn't. I don't want it to heal either because every time i hurt i love my boy deeply. Time has proved only one thing and that it just gets harder and harder. There isn't a day now, that passes where i and Tony don't break. Everyday there is a moment when i feel the pain of missing Thi. For some reason my mind works overtime, with guilt i suppose, i relive his treatment and i break at the horrendous 'stuff' he went through, and how i would chivy him along saying "we have to if we want to get you better", so matter of fact and words just rolling of my tongue. It wasn't me enduring all the sickness or the pain or the lack of dignity or how he lost all his confidence in just being able to be a boy, and at the end of all the 'chivying', i was wrong it didn't make him better and whilst i was always totally honest with him i still feel a sense of letting him down. Strange, because i know that if i was listening to someone else saying all this to me i would be disagreeing with them wholeheartedly. And so the breaking, i guess will continue daily, some days i am caught by loved ones and some days i have to learn to get through it, understanding that it is the cycle from high to low and that it is just happening more frequently.I will be able to accept the break more freely one day and i wait for the acute pain to turn into the dull ache. I am not stupid i know we are years away from that or maybe it will never happen. The Race for Life was a truly uplifting experience. 28 gorgeous people supported team Barker and of course looked AMAZING. We stuck out amongst the whole crowd in our red boa, boppers and head bands not to mention the wonderful star balloons which we all released at the end. Quite brilliantly the balloons ascending making the shape of an 'M' in the sky. As we walked around the race i read the backs of many people which just left me scared. So many people have been affected by cancer more than once that i just wept with pain for the people carrying those loved ones and for fear that i may one day have to do it all again with someone else i love. Fear is a horrendous emotion. Quite remarkably from fear and pain i experienced huge pride in showing off my boy in the smiles on our backs, carrying Thisey all the way with me. The Race was true team work and i thank everyone for being there. Team Thisey will live on from year to year and i can only imagine that the team will grow. As for my boys, Tony breaks daily like me and misses him like nothing else on earth. A visit to the grave helps Tony get to the lowest level in order to rise again. Jos established that life is hard without Thi and comforted me by being able to verbalise his feelings. The other day he said to me quite openly "Its boring without Thi' i could only agree with him and direct him in his new found role of big brother and teacher. I said to him "How do you know how to play football, cricket and tennis" he responded that Thi had taught him. I told Jos that it was now his role to teach Xav so that he could become his playmate. With that he donned his boots and goalie gloves and gave Xav his first lesson in silky skills. I praised Jos for teaching Xav so well and Xav said ' I Love him Mummy" So much learning for these little boys. The boys are all able to recognise the breaks i have and are able to either make me laugh or just love me. They are Tony and my three little rocks. We have just returned from a family and friends camping weekend in Wittering. At times, so painful for Tony and I. Small triggers set us off.... Having a dewy breakfast with 3 boys and not 4. Going to the quarters sweet shop in East Wittering and Jos choosing strawberry and creams, Thisey's favourite. Another stab in the heart. Thi was at the centre of our Wittering holidays he was always the catalyst for us going to Wittering to experience love and laughter in 'beachy' fun. This weekend we were thankful as ever to have our family there to catch our falls and to feel our pain together. United in grief and love for our boy. Although camping was wet and windy the boys were free to roam and just play hard. Happy boys and a very pleasant break. And so Team Barker learn to accept the daily breaking and continue to love deeply. so many triggers in a day causing the stab in the heart but understanding that this is the learning journey of grief. Thinking about what you were Thi, what you are and what you would be like if only you were in our arms still. Half a year too much. We feel the pain and love you Thi more and more. Always and forever darling. xxxxx Posted on June 24, 2012