It wasn't until the website was down that i realised the importance of writing my monthly journal. For a week i have been quietly getting on feeling a little uncomfortable in my cycle of events. I wasn't totally sure why i was spending the week uncomfortable until a friend of mine talked with me and we concluded that maybe i hadn't emptied my last months grieving onto this page!!! To see the page back again today was a strange feeling...... a little bit of relief, that all that i had written about our gorgeous boy was with me again.I didn't realise until i had it back that i was actually missing the written contact and connection with my Thisy.... So here i spill!!!!!!!!!! My month started with a Facebook entry from a friend about the race for life. I had made a conscious decision to let this year happen and next year i would begin fund raising and being active in helping others with cancer. However, when the Facebook entry read " anyone want to join me in the Race for life....I am running a team called Team Thisy" that drew me in immediately, how could mummy not be part of team Thisy? We now have 26 wonderful friends and family running for Thi. We will be wearing red boa and head boppers to signify the liverpool element and all of us will be carrying him on our backs with his beautiful smile. And so his good work continues. The love and kindness of our friends and family are with us constantly to keep us going and more importantly they are there to catch us when we fall. Thank God for you all. Another trip to chase was another two hours well spent, well for me anyway. I caught up with some of my extended family of nurses. Always a pleasure and delight i truly do love them. We sat and drank coffee, laughed and cried together and were comfortable to be vulnerable. I love them for all they do, have done and will continue to do. The boys are good and still talk well about Thisy, Jos needs some extra quiet time with me to get 'stuff' out which we will do as he needs to be able to carry on with his life understanding the pain and learning to accept the pain like we all do. The music, Queen is a comfort to the boys and keeping Matthias' things around the boys is a help, so they say. Jos the other day said that something smelt of Thi and when i asked him how he felt about it, he said it was good. I am well aware of a childs need to protect their parents. I feel an element of protection with jos is occurring. But we will talk it through as that has to be dealt with, that emotion is by far too much of a burden for any child. Jos is good at making packs with me and so we will work through it. Finally a family visit to Thisy's grave. something we don't tend to do all that often as a family. Usually it is in split groups, with other friends or family or on our own for some quiet time. This is the first time that i felt a strong emotion from visiting Thi as i can break at anytime anywhere and don't need the grave side to do it. The children are always protesting about going to the grave because once they have said hello and goodbye they are done. However, Tony and I persisted with the family visit. It was the most natural thing in the world when we sat down lounging in the sun next to Thi and talked about all the wonderful things and painful things that are and have been. There was an incredible feeling of us all being together again, one i hadn't experienced since 23rd dec 2011. That beautiful feeling could only be followed by pain as we eventually had to leave. During our stay the boys found it easy and free to talk. They talked about death in a real sense, about when we all die and about where we all want to be buried. Reiterating to the boys that we hope that they will have children and grandchildren at their point of death. Regardless for Jos, he is adamant that he will be buried in Chobham with his brother. Along all kinds of conversations of loss we sat and reassured our boys that we are Team Barker and we will remain a team and do only one thing and that is love hard and strive to be stronger. Xav said during our whole family visit " Mummy i didn't want to come but this is actually really nice." He felt it too. We will love you more and more Thisy and as the days and months go on we struggle with the ever deepening pain, thats just us loving you more. Always and Forever my darling. mmmmm now that feels better! And now that middle level of discomfort that i have been holding for a week has reached its lowest most painful level, ready to rise to the highest level and continue carrying my boy. I love you x Posted on May 30, 2012