This month has landed me, Tony and the family many moments which have required deep breaths, strength and on occasions a harem of loved ones. We are in the process of moving. Not something that we went to, but something that came to us. One night an old client of Tony’s rang me up and asked if we were interested in buying his house as Tony had mentioned two years ago that he would be interested. I immediately handed over Tony’s work number for him to answer that one! Since Thisey has died I have believed more and more in the saying ‘whatever will be will be.’ We viewed the property (which is bigger but in desperate need of modernization and only two roads away!). It was our view that unless we began the process of moving we would never know whether it was right or not. We put an offer in and it was accepted. The next part of the process was if our house sold quickly then that too for me would be a sign that it was meant to be. It was put on the market on Friday and sold on Tuesday. Anxiety set in after a dear friend of mine asked quite rightly Are we ok leaving our house with all the memories of Thi.? In answering this words just rolled off my tongue “ A house is just bricks and mortar, what we put in it is what makes my house a home……” rolling words that thankfully turned into a very real reason to question whether this was right. Another visit to the house left us with excitement with our new project. It wasn’t until a few days later that I realized what I had been doing on that visit. In each room I was placing the pictures of what mattered most on each wall. I was placing the boys on the walls and later realized the process was placing Thi in the house with us. His placing was a confirmation that a house is bricks and mortar and what you create inside with love is what makes your home. Thisey will be loved and carried with us wherever we are. This years GPR football presentation evening will remain with us forever. It was the most terrifying and emotional speech that I think we will ever give. Tony and I were very proud also, to be able to talk about Thisey to all the GPR football teams and explain the award that will be given out every year in honour of our incredibly brave son. The Power of perseverance award is given to anyone that deems a candidate for showing that they have never given up regardless of situations. Just like Thi never gave up and persevered in all his 10years but especially in the traumatic last 2 years of his life. What an amazing support GPR have been and continue to be to Team Barker and we will hold that so incredibly close to our hearts. I think my biggest fall so far has been in relation to dealing with all the events of Year 6. Matthias would have been going on the school residential and if I am honest with you at the introduction meeting to the trip I paid our deposit but in my heart I was so immensely scared that I wouldn’t be waving him off for a fun week. They always say Mums know best. As I walked through the Mums and Dads saying goodbye to their children I lost all element of strength and I felt so much sadness, not only for myself, but for all my lovely Mums who should, quite rightly be enjoying and focusing on their children instead of worrying about me. It wasn’t right and we know that it isn’t fair that there was just one big character missing from that trip. As ever I was caught by my support network and was put back on my feet again. The Leavers assembly was ok as I knew Matthias would have hated being part of the ‘act’, he hated being on show. And the final day with all the year 6 signing shirts and hugging each other was bearable until I saw their mums greeting me and feeling what I feel everyday. Donations from the leavers disco for Thiseys’ memorial for once left me speechless and broken, partially for the pain of not having Thi but also for the fact that I am overcome by everyone’s love and loss too. All we could do was hold each other up. Finally, I came to process why I felt so anxious and worried about returning to work. My return to work has proved to be my biggest challenge. I am fearful. I am passionate about teaching and love all that is about being with the littlies but I am scared of the inevitable workload. But, foremost I am scared of leaving my nest, which I have had to fiercely protect, hold and keep strong for two and half years. Working and leaving the family, if only for a day, feels strangely and irrationally like I am walking away from my nest and turning my back on Thi, almost as if he doesn’t matter anymore. Well, strange feelings, irrational I know but I am finding it difficult to separate the feelings from what I know is irrational. I suppose I am struggling to see how this is a move forward and not a turning of my back. Thisey will obviously always matter. In every breath that I take I feel the pain of not being able to hold him and smell him, of not being able to listen and enjoy his cheeky banter. Each breath simply has a different intensity. Memories and love have to suffice to fill the painful breaths. Always and Forever my darling. Life is a journey not a destination and I continue to thank all my loved ones who have caught me this month. Posted on July 23, 2012