Dear Thisy This month I have had so much to do for your event that I am labeling my brain as a mushy brain. There is so much to do and time is rapidly running away with itself. I am kept so very busy and this is no bad thing as it means I am not sititng around helpless. Instead I am transferring that pain into a positive energy. The pain of you not being physically with us will never go it just gets masked now and again. Having said that darling I am beginning to feel that pain more as the preparations become more personal for the 23rd Nov. I have just this second finished another powerpoint (get me Thi mummy does powerpoints now!) which has turned me inside out. I collapsed on the computer as I saw you again in your most vulnerable time. You were completely and utterly wonderful and my pain is overridden with love for you. My pain is love. I hurt the most when I remember your last few days with us. Praying you felt safe, loved and peaceful as you were about to embark on the next stage of your journey. Whenever I am organinsing your event and it becomes stressful I think back to when Steven Gerrard arrived and you didn’t respond to him. I was devastated. When Steven returned to your side with his hand in yours and his Liverpool accent said “Hello Matthias it’s Steven here.” You opened your eyes, which had been closed for a few days and smiled a smile that filled your beautiful face from ear to ear. When you smiled that smile left your face and landed in my heart and there it will remain always and forever. When I am stressed and I wonder why, what, how, I think back to your smile. Perspective in a materialistic world and then I am recharged in the hopes we may help another little child benefit from our hard work. I am subconsciously preparing for 24th Nov when this event will be complete. I am scared that when it is over that the mask will be gone and there will be an open wound, raw and painful. Thisy you got me this far I hope you will spur me on to do much more in the future so that other people can benefit and so that many many more people will know about this truly sensational young boy who we all know and love as you Matthias George Barker. In personal preparation for your event I have taken it upon myself to do yet another diet! As I embark on my fasting day I am moaning and groaning about the hunger levels. Then I get a flash back where we as a family had entered CHASE and you then asked me for food. I cannot begin to explain to you how horrendous this was to have to tell you that because of the tumour you were unable to eat, as you would simply vomit. As a mother and Father all Daddy and Mummy wanted to do was feed you and sustain your life, after all that is what our role is. It went against everything our souls were wanting but we knew we had to keep you comfortable. Maybe just maybe your intelligence about food and water was our leeway in to talk about you dying. Yet another amazing moment Matthias where you accepted your end and made sure everyone that you loved was going to be ok. Therefore, the day I moaned about being hungry I remembered you and yet again you have kept me going. Week 5 into the fasting diet and I am going to make it my way of living with maybe a bit of weight loss thrown in!? I will always keep you as my inspiration and I haven’t forgotten our deal darling, I am always working on it. Your brothers are equally amazing and I pray they too will find comfort one day in being able to read these words and or even maybe write their own. As I look for pictures for yet another power point for your Red Thi Do I find myself looking into your eyes in each picture. I freeze on your eyes and I wait and as I think about why I am waiting I realise I am hoping, hoping that I may feel you in some way. Maybe if I study your eyes hard enough the feeling of you may visit me if only for a second or two. We all miss your banter, your touch, your laugh so much. I sat with Jos the other night and as always said our pray that we pray every night. That you are being loved and cared for like we would love and care for you. As I am saying a prayer for you I ponder on my pain. In the pause Jos asks for the first time to do a pray for you. He never fails to make me laugh so I thought you ought to hear it although I’m guessing you may just know it already! ‘God bless Thi. I hope he's having a good time up there and that you are loving him cos he has a cracking sense of humour. Amen. X’ Your Jos has become a wonderful goalie and he is loving throwing himself in the mud! He clocked a football match the other day on route to his game, he shouts out in true Jos style ‘what a save’. He saw some 15 year olds playing and a goalie clearly saving a cracker. As I looked at these older boys you came into my mind and I dreamed. I dreamt you were there and then in a split second I woke up and reality pierced me. Any painful feeling makes me begin thinking and rationalising or processing why I am feeling the way I am. I suppose it’s my coping mechanism. I realised I am at a stage where I am unintentionally wishing Jos’ years away. I am scared for him to go through the ages where you suffered so much and had to accept you would die. You were so incredible Thi and I will hold your acceptance with pride forever. I do hope I can learn to love these years for Jos. Maybe you can help me? Jos is an amazing goalie Thi. You would love standing on the sideline shouting for him. He's found his niche. He is just as amazing as you my darling but then he had a brilliant teacher. You. He misses your teaching so much but he is learning a new role to be the teacher to Xav. He finds it a test but your skills have helped so much. 10 glorious years Thi. As I am on my way to swimming I'm talking to xav. He puts on Red Hot Chilly Peppers. He said it reminds him of you. I ask Xav what sort of remembering he has, good, painful or simply ok. “Ok” he said. He then proceeded with “at least we still celebrate Thisy. His birthday, his day he died, Christmas, all of it.” He continues to be very vocal about how he misses you, which is refreshing to think he is not scared to be emotional about not having you sit next to him watching television with your arm around him keeping him close. He asked me if it was better to have thoughts inside your head and keep them there or whether it was better to have them and share them and cry if you needed. I think you can guess my answer. We then spent a long time sharing your lovely times together and the pictures he has of you by his bed. Still the boys play with you. Jonas celebrated his 5th birthday. We had a wonderful time with him and he had some fantastic presents. The boys played with the Balloons knocking them around in the living room and then I noticed black marker pen over some of them. When I looked closely I noticed that the boys had drawn you on the balloons. When questioned what they were doing they said ” We are drawing Thi so he can be playing with us too”. You will always be in the centre of all we do and that is what will keep us strong. The other day I read about another little boy Who is with you now. It was odd being on the other side reading someone's pain instead of writing the pain. Today I cried a lot. I cried for everyone and I realised that we are all connected horrendously by the death of our children. I cried pure and raw tears for you and the moment you left us. I still struggle to leave the painful memories of CHASE, where you were so brave. I may never will, as that is quite literally the full circle of your life. Just like I will never forget the day you were put on my tummy when you were born and I looked down at you and my whole body was taken over and consumed with love, eternal, unconditional love that I will have always and forever. Miss you, Love you Mummy x