Talking to one of my lovely friends made me question why? Why am I writing a journal? We talked about other people’s experiences and how some people who have had children or loved ones die have struggled to talk to them. I can relate to this and whilst I like the idea that one snippet of what I write may just help another person I wonder is this really simply about me talking to Thisy telling him how we are? I did promise him that we would be ok when he asked “But what about the boys mummy?” Maybe this is all about telling Thisy that we are pained but that we too are also OK. We will never be the same but we will relish the years we had and sit on those years holding them close and real to our hearts. So I am trying a new method of writing this month and we will see if it is the same method next month?! Dear Thisy. I was in the shower the other morning which is where you know I talk to you the most and it dawned on me that maybe the reason why Jos in particular doesn’t like going to the grave is quite simply embarrassment. It isn’t easy to be yourself when there are other people with you. I came out of the shower and had decided that I would mention this to Jos. Before I had a chance to mention it your very insightful brother came out of the shower room a few minutes after me and said to me out of the blue “Mummy I'd like to go to the grave in the snow.” He opened the opportunity to share with him my thoughts about allowing your brothers to visit on their own and he agreed it would be a good idea. I now question whether I have been stopping him, Xav and Jonas from being alone with you Thi, not intentially of course. Maybe just maybe you were showing me the way to have the conversation with Jos. For Jos It will be in his own time darling, as I don’t want to make him feel he has to go to the grave. I have worked out that the grave is good for some people and for others it is a sad place to be. For me I find I don’t feel any closer to you there in fact i would probably say I feel less close to you there. I feel your presence all around me at varying times of the day. There is never a day that goes past that I am not thinking about you. The way you looked in my eyes and melted my heart, the way you knocked into me and said something to make me laugh and the way you cuddled me. The older you got the more meaningful it was for you to spontaneously hug me, when I could wallow in the smell of your groomed hair. I wonder if Jos feels the same way as me? Maybe he feels closest to you when he is choosing clothes to wear. The other day it was Jeans for Genes day at school. Many people on the school run had to catch their breath as your gorgeous brother walked up to school with pride in your pink polo shirt and Jack Wills hoody. Catching their breath as they saw you in Jos. I love seeing him develop with a part of you oozing out of him. Only today I spoke to your old school teacher and she said how lovely it was to still see a part of you every day as she teaches the very cheeky Xav. Xav exuberates elements of you and as I hold the boys I remember holding you. Jonas is growing up oh so fast and Thisy you would love being with him now. Helping to make his transition to school easier and cope with the separation. As I write this to you I hear your voice asking Jonas if his day was ok, with your arm around him protecting his vulnerable body. I miss your voice. Video footage is a great help to remember and Jos does a wonderful impression but I still wish I could hear your voice again, next to me. Jonas struggled with school on his first day. I had to drive him up to school half clothed and unfed screaming. As fast as Daddy and I were dressing him he would be ripping his clothes off again and putting them in the bin! It was hard but he did well in the end. Maybe you were looking over him keeping him safe. I hope so, keep with him as he cant bear being separated from us all day. Xav has settled into Year 3 well darling and he loves having the teacher that loved and helped you through the most difficult time in your life. You were amazing and I will always be in awe of you and your acceptance. You truly were inspirational and Mummy and Daddy will always be proud of that. Apparently Thi, Jos thinks year 5 rocks! That’ll do for me as long as he is happy. The boys never stop talking about you and remembering good times and sad times too. We are totally honest with them darling as we were with you. I hope they continue to grow into handsome young men with sensitivity for life and people. I still can’t imagine the boys any older than you were. I struggle to imagine ahead and wonder where they will be in a few years time or what they will do. I can’t trust the world yet and I may never again. I can’t trust that I am not going to have my heart ripped out again. Its strange Thi, a part of us died when you did but we don’t allow that pain and bleeding to come between us. I promised you we would be ok and we will be. We are Team Barker. Maybe Betsy dog was sent to us to try and bring a little more trust into our lives. She has been so poorly. We felt the same as we did when we were being told about your illness and the anxiety was high, the black pit feeling of emptiness in our stomach was too large for us to cope. We had to warn the boys in our honesty that we may have to put Betsy down if she continued to be so ill. They exuberated love for her and were desperate. Daddy and I in particular couldn’t bear it for the boys. We bought Betsy to heal us not break us again. Thankfully Betsy is making a good recovery, the boys have bonded well with her and we have been shown that there is such a thing as recovery. We have had a wonderful weekend where Daddy and the boys spoilt me rotten. I turned forty and was anxious to be getting older. It was really quite easy once I had been treated to a party with friends, a splendid meal at The Shard followed by all the family celebrating with good food and love. As ever you were in the centre of it. I wonder if I was slightly anxious about approaching my 40th not because I was getting older but because I was having to do it without you. My family and friends are so supportive and loving they made sure that you were there right at the core. I was very comfortable in my birthday because your Daddy, my friends and family made sure of it. I loved it, you would have loved it too. The other day Daddy and I were sitting choosing pictures for our business cards for our website matthiasalwaysandforever, we agreed that we are scared. Scared of the distance between now and your death. Time is distance from the day we held you. We are scared that we are forgetting you. If I am honest the last two journals have been scouting around the honesty. The honesty that we are forgetting you. Forgetting the immediate feel of you the immediate sight of you, the immediate sound of you, the immediate smell of you. We can remember and will never forget through pictures, but the painful truth of it is, is that we are forgetting. I struggle to cope with that feeling and guess that is why it has taken two or so months to realise where we are. You taught us acceptance darling and that is what we are trying to do. Accept that we will forget the immediate but we will never stop remembering. As I write this I am breaking because I want one thing I can't have. You in my arms, the immediate. Thisy, I am going to sign off now which I am struggling to do as I feel I could write to you forever………always and forever darling. I thought I would leave you with a little song Jos made up and sang to you the other day at the table. “I love Thi he was the best, the sporty guy. He was the best. He was cool, he was so so cool. He was amazing at football. He was my sporty guy. My Thi” lots of love Thisy Always and Forever Mummy x