We have had a few returns to CHASE by request of the boys and they have proved helpful for many. I love seeing all the staff and sharing in our continued journey. As time moves on the element of surreal gets greater and Tony and I keep thinking and wishing that our darling Matthias would just walk in through that door again or cuddle up to me with a cheeky joke. The boys are all very good and they keep us strong and make our over emotional moments come back down to earth. Xavier aged 5 frequently says " Mummy i am so glad that Thisy doesn't have chemo anymore or that tumour. But i do wish he was with us still" So grown up for a 5 year old. They say they don't miss him but maybe that is because we talk about him all the time and they have flip photo frames of Thisy by their beds to change and talk to. Jos has spread his wings and taken it all on board like a very grown up boy. His sense of humour has flown and when i jokingly told him he sounded like his eldest brother he said "You know what Mummy, its a bit like Thisy left me his sense of humour" well if that is the case i couldn't ask for a better gift. My emotions run on three levels. The highest where Thisy is in the back of my mind and never leaves, therefore, i am carrying him always. The middle level is an uncomfortable place where i ache. The deepest level is when i break, cry, and love more deeply than ever before. Sometimes i get stuck in the middle level and i have to make myself get to the deepest level, usually with a slideshow of Thisy put to music,and then i can get to the highest level again and the cycle can begin again. i am guessing that in time the amount of times i do this cycle will diminish. i never want it to go as getting to the deepest level is painful but where i love and remember the deepest. We love you darling darling Matthias you have given us so much in such a short time. Always and forever Thi always and forever xxxxx With the tribute site and other donations given Thisy has raised in excess of £5,000 for CHASE. Well done Thisy xxxx Posted on February 23, 2012