Dear Thisy It is unusual for me to get to the beginning of the month without having much to say! I suppose that's because we have been running at full speed! Half term was so lovely this time, a far cry from my previous. We had everyday packed with our friends visiting. It was so lovely to catch up whilst at the same time keep me sane. I realised the importance for keeping our half term full of those we love because, without it just reminds me too deeply that you are missing physically from our wonderful chaos. Watching fireworks this year was less painful than last. Maybe we are accepting life without you physically with us, and as soon as I say that the internal stabbing occurs as it is simply too frightening to think that at any point being with out you is going to be ok, because the reality is my darling it never will. Maybe it is just that we are beginning to accept and get used to doing our activities without you physically with us. Who knows maybe you are closer and therefore we are more at ease. I like to think that the latter theory is correct, one day we will find out. As soon as I am beginning to think we are living at ease I realise we are simply in a plateau of comfort for now. The comfort soon comes to a dramatic close when I realise I am struggling at the moment as the days and months and years march on and you are left behind as a 10 year old. Soon, Jos is going to quite literally be my eldest son and I can’t bear to think that I am entering into the world you should have trod. The fact that Jos should be following in your footsteps not making the footsteps hurts me so much I cant even begin to explain it. Jos keeps saying that on 24th of December he will be the oldest in the family. I have mixed feelings about that. One element is relief that my Jos has survived life longer than you were allowed to. The other is desperation as it's a huge realisation of how long we have lived with the pain of not having you. Mostly, each day there is an inner sickness as Jos goes through the same timespan, as you did, yet not so traumatically. I relive all the pain, drips, bloods, tubes, drugs, humiliation and so much more in that final hospital week in St Georges that we will keep to ourselves my darling. No body will truly understand and so I will keep that for only us. But that day in st George's I wish I knew it was the last time I was going to hold you. If I had known I would have made it so much more positive, gentle, longing. In my head I go back and I am there revisiting every inch of what you went through. I am physically ready to be sick as I feel the unimaginable anguish, pain and worry you must have been through. I wanted it to go away so much and have you back. But instead, yet again I was left helpless. I want to hold you again and stay in that embrace together. I read of miracles, true miracles and alongside my jealousy I worry that I did something wrong. Did I not pray hard enough? My faith is not as strong as some. Was I grasping at straws? I guess only you have that information now my darling and I honestly can’t change what has happened. I will however, keep those thoughts until I reach that summit and am with you again. If my darling I have failed you in some way I am so sorry. We both struggled with our faith especially after America and your relapse. I will never forget the day I had to tell you that the tumour had grown again and that you needed more chemo. Your eyes were full of anger and fear. ‘Why should I pray?’ you said ‘It didn’t work last time’. My heart truly bled for you as we looked into each other’s eyes and for a moment I know you hated me. I don’t blame you for that. I would need to blame someone for the horrendous journey. Maybe I still would like to blame someone but there is no one or nothing to blame. It just is. So my darling I can only work to the positive. I try to change the way people think and speak about cancer. The other day your cousin Martha texted and said ‘ Auntie get on BBC Breakfast they are talking about cancer terminology’ as I was walking out of the door for the boys to get to school I had to hold fire and watch. At last darling, at last, they were talking about negative connotations to the terminology used with cancer. How many times have I tried to get out there that you didn’t loose your battle to cancer. My gorgeous boy you were a winner, a winner in accepting your end, so stoic, brave and accepting darling that you won every inch of that race. The race merely came to an end. I pray that this may be the start of making people think and rethink. As the days move on and we encounter other people with their own worries and health issues I am slightly relieved that we do not have to live through it all still. I have a friend who was waiting to go and receive her results from her last Mri. I felt her anxiety, the waking up on the morning with slightly sweaty palms and an inability to eat a good breakfast, trying to do the normal things in the morning before the appointment, the moment when you finally get into the car and make your way, the smell as you enter the hospital, the cold blooded waiting, are you going to be seen by just your consultant or are they going to bring in an additional nurse which will mean bad news. The process is excruciating and only if you have done it do you truly know. As I bumped into her on the morning of her results I said nothing just hugged. Reliving. Thisy the other day I went to see the recording of Birds of a Feather at Pinewood Studios. It was amazing and fantastic to finally meet and hug Linda Robson. What a truly amazing woman. An ambassador for Children with Cancer Uk and after speaking to her at length I realised what a genuinely beautiful person she is. A privilege to have seen and spoken with Linda and, that my darling would never have happened without you being one of the most important part of my world. Well my darling, before I force myself to sign off I want tell you of a rather exciting piece of news. This time exactly to the day last year we were embarking on Red Thi Do. I will never as long as I live forget driving down that magnificent drive at Mercedes Benz World and seeing your face shining out. Showing us your bravery and acceptance. That smile etched forever in my heart and brain. I will never let it leave me and I will focus on it whenever things get tough. So, after you have allowed us to raise an amazing £44,000 last year I am extremely proud to say we are doing Red Thi Do 2 next Year. November 21st 2015 we will raise money in memory of you to enable other children and families to achieve perfect completion. I know how lucky we were to feel perfectly complete and I realise that not everybody gets that opportunity. Having been lucky in completing your life the way we all wanted I want to enable everyone that has to go through the agony of kissing their child goodbye the chance for a perfect end. I adore you Thi and will continue to try and turn all my inevitable sadness, anxiety and worry into something positive in memory, love and devotion to you. My baby. My boy. My world. My life. I miss you and love you Always and Forever Mummy x