Dearest Thisy My month has been spent feeling quite stressed. This time of year affects the whole family, close friends too. It probably is the most painful time for us as we look back on the pain, suffering and silent confusion you had to undertake. For daddy and I, we were completely helpless knowing you were going to die and leave our arms. As a parent our role is to love and nurture, protect and keep safe, make you confident and well balanced and love life. Our role to fulfill you was taken out of our hands, we were helpless and I think I recognise that helplessness in these months. Helplessness is painful enough let alone when it involves your child and being unable to make you better, unable to allow you to fulfill your dream of being a daddy with a house a wife a family with a car. You didn't ask for much and we will remain devastated that we were not able to see you be the amazing father you could have been. Our Jos is feeling it too. Not that he would let on too much but I can just tell. We remain keeping you at the heart of us despite the pain it sometimes brings. A few times this month I have had my breath taken away as I see jos run like you, smile in a cheeky way or painfully simply wear your pyjamas. The last pair you wore at home when you were well. It seems strange that a pair of pjs are what hurts me so much. As I put them in the bag to go to aunty rach I held them close and took a silent moment to smell them in the hopes I may catch a glimpse of you. I can't stop holding Jos kissing him and smelling him. He will always be Jos but there is a part of him that exuberates you. As we prepare in these final weeks until your event I am filled with fear. I think it's going to be a hugely emotional night for many because so many love you and always will. Therefore this letter will be posted a day later as I want to be able to share the night with you and everyone that wants to read about you. You can imagine its not soothing me posting late but I think it is important. Alongside all this we are finally trying to create your headstone. We are wanting the boys to have an input. Jos is very specific on his needs although I think we may have to write "he taught me all the skillage on the village " in our CHASE memory album! We are working on it darling sorry it has taken so long but we want it just right. Perfect for a perfect boy. Well, my darling we had your event last weekend and it has taken me until a week later to finally come back down to earth to post this letter. It was quite simply the most amazing thing I have ever done other than give birth. When we drove down the drive towards Mercedes Benz world all the fear that was within disappeared because we were welcomed by your glorious smile and face looking over us. The evening went from good to utterly brilliant. It fulfilled everything I dreamt it would be. I think you would have loved it. Your cousins certainly enjoyed it and were thrilled to be part of your evening. You would have been so proud of Daddy too. As I spoke about you and what you went through I had nothing but love and admiration for you. I think the whole room admired your bravery, you were an amazing young boy Thi and I will make sure everyone knows that. We raised a huge amount for SGF. We anticipated £20,000 but managed to raise £41,000 with still more to come in. It just goes to show how wonderful you were and how much people love you. What is even more amazing for Daddy and I is that the money is going to go to children and their families that will feel the perfect and complete feeling that we felt and still feel in accepting what had to be. I have learnt so much since you died and it is you that has enabled that. We have to be grateful for small positives out the biggest void in our life. Organising events makes me feel good as it keeps you in the centre of everything, whilst supporting others too. Your event was so successful because there were so many people that love you and helped us to make it the best. Only the best for you my lovely. You’d have loved it from beginning to end. Maybe you did enjoy it as you watched over us and kept us calm. Thank you darling for being you, for making such an impact on peoples lives and for being so incredible in earthly life and heavenly life. We love you now and always. Always and Forever Love from Mummy.xx