18 months and it seems like a lifetime that we have been without Thisy physically with us. Even now as I write that sentence my head allows itself to think on that deepest lowest level and I am left crushed and broken. Time is running away with itself yet still I flash back to those last days in CHASE and it is as if I am holding him again, telling him it is all ok and that he can let go now and go with the bright light that he is seeing and the people he can see but that he doesn’t know, old people trying to make him feel safe. Words, just words to make him feel safe yet inside I am crying out for him to stay with us and to never leave us without his touch, smell or smile. As we are sitting at the table Jos starts talking about Thisy, recalling the day we thought he was going to die. How we had to shock tell them that their brother was to die. At the table they talked honestly about how ‘horrid’ it was to be told Matthias was going to die. Jos recalls how he fell to bits. Xav always talks of the pain openly and then finishes the conversation with the reality. “On the better side” said xav “his body doesn't hurt anymore” “yes” said Jos “there is a positive side.” I am continually amazed at how the boys can rationalise the death of their brother in such a mature and accepting way. I love my boys and I am so proud of their ability to be honest and real. As I quietly let the tears roll amongst the breakfast chaos Jos kindly acknowledges my tears, which sometimes makes him feel uncomfortable but on this occasion was more accepting and Xav looks at me, leaves his seat and puts his arms around me and holds me tight saying nothing, silent, intense love and comfort from such a little sensitive boy. Jos comes back, finding the intimacy and pain for me a little too difficult to grapple with and says, “Shall I sing you a song?” Jos never fails to make us become whole again. We begin to giggle as Jonas sings out of nowhere his own profound tune… “Cry cry cry let your tears go away hey!!!!” made up and sung by Jonas age 4. My 4 year old comfortable with my tears. Proud is only a small word for how i feel. The boys’ sensitivity and love is far greater than I give them credit for. Half term gave me some challenging times, lonely days in half term. I only have myself to blame as I failed to pack the week with activities. I'm often told to slow down. It clearly doesn't suit me! Lonely yet still lucky I have my boys. In half term I was just tired of the same old routine. I needed more. The slow life was too painful and opened the scar of missing Thi. I need a busy life or I fear I could I would get into a place where it would be incredibly difficult to get out of. The good old British rain played its part in my lowest times, continual rain slowly lowered my esteem. I decided to get Thisy’s laptop out as a variety for the boys and I was surprised at how difficult it was to open it, remembering the days of sitting with Thi on a hospital bed playing the games relentlessly over and over again, watching Top Gear for the tenth time. I would watch it a hundred times if it meant I could have him back……….just for a while. It hurt more than anything I have experienced in a long time. This Half Term bought us one positive, although at the time I wasn’t so sure it would be a positive, and that was Betsy. We visited a lady who bred Fox Red Labradors. As we hung over the pen trying to choose which puppy could potentially fit in with Team Barker, Jos found Betsy. Jos has always been the best decision maker in the family. In America he would suggest a restaurant and we would say “No let’s try something else” it was always a hugely bad choice and we would end up where Jos originally said. After three months of doing this we now automatically go with Jos’ intuition on most family decision-making and it has always proved to be the right choice. Betsy was taken out of the pen for the first time and she snuggled into Jos rested her head and Jos stroked her carefully with such love in his eyes. I crumbled with tears of love, pain and hope as I pray that this little pup would fill just a little piece of the huge void in Jos’ life. In Woking we were buying toys, leads and bedding for Betsy, our new arrival and as we drove past tattooland Jos announces that that is where he is going to get his first tattoo. I was slightly scathing and somewhat sarcastic as to be fair it’s just not my thing and then he announced that when he has it done it will be on his shoulder at the back and it will read ‘I love Thi’. In the flash of a second I became very pro tattoos! I quite like tattoos now!!!! I'm not sure if its the same for tony so this is specifically about me but I can honestly say on reflection that when Matthias died part of me died. Now as life moves on around me and with me I feel like all the moving forward elements to my life are simply a cover up for what is really more painful than anything I have ever experienced. Don't get me wrong keeping busy and doing my fund raising is essential for our progress and new life and quite frankly I would be lost without it but it sometimes feels like it is all a mask. A coping mask, a coping mechanism. As I Walk around the house doing the daily chores I look at pictures of my 4 boys and at a glance the feeling inside is so right and for a split second we are all still physically 6. We will always be 6 just in a different way. However, a closer look at my 4 boys and I am knifed yet again. Knifed and twisted inside where disbelief strikes again. The pain hits repeatedly and i go through all the emotions associated with looking after Thi, having to talk honestly to him and having to watch him take his final breath. My scars, bleeding again, the ache unbearable. This all sounds quite dramatic but I wish it were exaggerated. Unfortunately it’s all too real and honest. So the time came for us to go and collect Betsy. I will be honest with you (as I sit writing this with my little girl wrapped around my feet!) I was not a Dog lover at all. I never have been and anyone that knows me well enough knew I would never have a dog. Well, there are quite simply lots of things I would never have done before Thi died. Getting Betsy was nothing to do with my emotions or needs it was all about the boys. I felt strongly that a Dog would be a huge benefit to the boys and in some way begin to chip away at a little piece of the big black void in our lives. Nothing would close the void. So for Jos in particular the hope is that Betsy will give him a playmate back, for Xav Betsy would give him responsibility, which he thrives on. For Jonas he is beginning to be near her! For Tony that wouldn’t be tricky as he is a born dog lover and knew that this could only be right. For me, I knew it was going to be hard work but I was prepared to take that on for the boys. However, it is apparent that Betsy loves me. Love is an extremely powerful emotion, one like no other. Ok, so I am hooked on her. More than anything I am hooked on what she is making our family. Quite surprisingly, I suddenly realised I had been house bound for three days without the fear of emptiness. Betsy has become company in a quiet and empty house when all there is to feel is pain of missing Thisy. Betsy keeps me on my toes and is an unconditional warm welcome every time I walk in to the house. Saying all this makes me take a rain check. A moment to stand still, reflect and love. Writing certain parts of the journal gives me the opportunity to reflect. In my minds eye I see a beautiful picture of Thi post treatment. He is standing tall in front of me and I am cupping his head with my hands, I am touching his cheeks with my lips and inhaling every ounce of his being. I close my mind and my eyes just so that moment can last for as long as possible. I have moments where I am lost. I pine for Thisy regardless of all the positivity that we are creating, nothing can stop that love, the scars are still bleeding beneath the skin and the hurt can only be temporarily eased by the mask, as life continues to push us forward. It is important to embrace those times, acknowledge them and in a strange way cherish those times. However, life does have to push us forward or we would crumble and potentially life could stop. So, as my Jos would always say “on a more positive note…” before Thi died I would never have enjoyed gardening, but I have created Thisy’s garden and I even weed it too! I have bought a dog and fallen in love with her, tolerated a tattoo on my boys and feel an urge to tolerate it as soon as they are old enough, built a website wwww.matthiasalwaysandforever.co.uk just in case you are interested to see what fund raising we are doing, begun event planning and oh so much more. Let life push us through the heartache. Let the mask be there but let me also have time to cherish the love. Matthias you will always be in the centre of our lives in everything we do. We love you as much now as was did the day you took your first steps, maybe even more. Always and Forever x Posted on June 23, 2013