I’d like to say that that was my title but instead it is taken from a very important person in our lives who hit the nail on the head when I told her of our move. Moving has consumed a great deal of our month. We didn’t know if the move was meant to be. If we were putting ourselves under more pain than we already were under? The only conclusion I could make was that if it was meant to be nothing would stop the process. Nothing did. The actual move was stress free thanks to packers. Leaving 38 Gorsewood was something I wanted to just happen. As I was cleaning the new house Tony called me to return to 38 and say goodbye. I think I was trying to avoid it and Tony had to insist on my return. I visited every room and reminisced about times that were and moments with Thisy. Obvious tears were shed and more importantly a desperate plea that Thi would come with us. I drove the car crammed with immediate resources two roads down to the new house in panic, panic and desperation that Thi would be with us. As ever my wonderful friends caught me and we continued to clean the new property to oblivion! I had a wonderful harem again in cleaners and babysitters, enabling us to make the new house as welcoming as we possibly could. My intention on moving day is to make the boy’s room complete so that they would feel immediately at home on their arrival to the house. This was accomplished and Xav and Jonas were thrilled with their new very blue room. Jos struggled a little more with the change. We cuddled him through the change and in the morning I had to give it to him straight. He was desperately worried and upset, I presumed it was actually related to Thi but that he was unable to verbalize it. I ‘hit’ him with it. “Jos you have two options either carry on in this grumpy and angry manner and make us all upset and sad, potentially making us cry or you can help us find the cheerios which are buried somewhere in these 23 boxes.” I then proceeded to say, “ We are all worried about whether thi is with us. Let me tell you. Thisy is with us all the time, he will never leave our side and he would be sad to think that we are unhappy. Thi loves us and will always love us…always and forever Jos.” With that I turned and that little boy got up from his grump and helped me dive into 23 boxes. Needless to say it was king Jos that found the cheerios and has continued to love our new house. We have felt very much at home since the moment all my pictures of the boys were put up, which of course was the following day. All boxes were gone on the fourth day. We feel very lucky to have our new house and feel very strongly that Thi would have loved all that number 1 is and consequently is with us all, telling us where to put all our treasures that turn bricks and mortar into a home! Team Barker in the same book, just in a new chapter. Normal life and routine resumed after the half term holiday and my ritual of going to the gym came back into play…why? Because I promised Thi in CHASE that I would do it. I would loose the 2 years of Hospital Panini weight and get back to a healthier lifestyle. He unfortunately told me that he liked that idea and that he knew I would do it. However, Tuesdays have been renamed as tricky Tuesday as for some unknown reason I am lost after the gym. The endorphins kick in leaving me in tatters. I cannot pin point why I feel so sad after the gym but can only presume that it is because I return to an empty house. All boys are at their respective schools and I am alone simply longing for something I can’t have. Painful, yes and yet an emptying of the carrier bag I suppose. As Jos grows though year four we realize that he is truly blossoming. A very mature chap who has developed a wicked sense of humour. As Jos himself said at the beginning of this year “its almost like Thi has left me his sense of humour.” By having his humour we have a part of thi living on in the house. I am not saying that he has stepped into Matthias feet. Jos is his own individual but has traits of his beloved role model. What I see is a good character with a cracking sense of humour. Jos and I have grown closer and our relationship has become much stronger. As I kiss him goodnight I close my eyes and rightly or wrongly I feel like I am kissing Thi if only for a split second. I hold Jos’ hand and close my eyes. For just one painful second I’m holding Thi. I guess I tell you this, as there is an element of guilt in my actions. Is it right to be clinging to Jos but thinking of Thi? Oh my how the rational and emotional clash again. One thing is conclusive is that as Jos grows he shows so many traits of his incredible brother, yet is still able to hold his own beautiful character too. A strange experience this month was during a moment of breaking, where something had triggered me and the pain of wanting Thi back took over all my senses. I ached within wanting to hold and smell him again. On most occasions I am caught by loved ones who hold me and put me back on my feet. On this occasion I was greeted by someone who announced, trying to be helpful, that I should just try and block it out. My immediate response was “I cant “ and then I was left disturbed for the rest of the day trying to work out why someone would say that. Thinking I was maybe weak I tried to work on it. I soon processed the experience and concluded that this is exactly why I am sitting here writing about our journey of emotions. Blocking out does nothing but fill up your bag until it is a messy heap on the floor. I cannot and will not block out something that is a part of my whole soul. I concluded the throw away thoughtless comment was nothing to do with me but them. They were uncomfortable in my pain and ultimately tears. I am not prepared to block and hide what is crippling me inside to ease someone else’s discomfort. Containing my pain will ultimately result in an explosion of emotion at some point to the detriment of my boys. It undermines all that this journal has been and continues to be about. Whilst I spent most of the day stewing over the comment I can now turn it into a confirmation that wanting my child in my arms is so painful that no one can stop my tears and releasing them shouts my love for Matthias and enables me to continue functioning as wife, mother and teacher. And so we come to the final part to this month’s journal… reliving our final weeks with Thisy. For the benefit of this month I shall only focus up to the 23rdNovember. The 19th of November was the last day that I lay beside my boy in the comfort of the family home, holding him and smelling him yet unaware that that would be our last night. I wish I had known it was our last as I think I would have held him more closely and smelt him more vigorously and been less stressed. Unfortunately, because of Matthias’ symptoms it wasn’t so comfortable that last night and on the 20th we went to St Georges where we stayed for a week. Our intention was to return home once St Georges had sorted us out. They did ‘sort us’, Ed Hannon, the surgeon, made us feel incredibly safe and more comfortable. He and Matthias struck up a relationship, which broke the pair of them when we left for CHASE. Ed, alongside many other professionals will always remain an important part of our journey. Returning home was not to be. I didn’t return home for 6 weeks. Matthias never went back to his home. This next month will challenge every inch of our being. We will relive moments said and seen and we will ache from within as we long for the one thing we can’t have. When we long and inevitably break we will remember that Matthias is still and will always be the complete love of our lives. Always and forever my darling brave boy xxxxx Posted on November 22, 2012