For me the 9 months mark is an incredibly difficult marker. 9 months of a pregnancy and you are left with a bundle of joy with which you never knew you had that much love to share or give.The achievement of delivering and meeting a new person and until they are put in your arms you didn't realise that you would in fact lay down your life for this little human. More unconditional love than anyone can tell you. That 9 months in my recollection seemed an eternity. My last 9 months have flown past and gone all too quickly leaving us with the same level of pain as when it all began, in fact sometimes even more pain. There have been many events in this month that have triggered sometimes exceptional thoughts, deep pain,and the never ceasing unconditional love, just love that hurts now in a negative way. Tony, the boys and myself ventured to Devon with our cousins and Grannie and Grandad. No ordinary holiday but Thisy's holiday. Thi booked this holiday in the April of last year immediately after returning from our holiday in Dorset with the passionately loved cousins. We saw an urgent anxiety in him to book it despite the fact that we were still receiving treatment for Thi and whilst there was always a plan ahead there was a potential means of mending him. His desire to all be together was incredibly strong and so we booked the holiday unsure of where we would be into he treatment protocol. Now we reflect on Thisy's character at the time and realise he lived with urgency in his soul. Maybe he knew deep down in his subconscious. So the Devon 'holiday continued in his name. All of us called it Thisy's holiday and after a cracking day we would raise our glass, talk about how Thi would have loved it and Thank him for being the best holiday picker! Completing the holiday meant i had to face my demon. Returning to work. I came to the conclusion a while ago that it was going to be hard leaving my nest and feeling like i was turning my back on Thi and petrified of the work load. The next hurdle was entering back into the work place, the exact place where i was told to leave and bring Thi and consequently be referred to the Royal Marsden. It still causes me a huge amount of pain when i look at the hall and the bench that i was sitting on talking to the paediatric consultant. That day will never leave me and every work day i will be reminded of the day and pray that one day it just may be easier to walk past that bench. My return to work was greeted with an enormous amount of love, being caught every step of the way. My head teacher has been quite outstanding with his compassion and genuine care warmth and love. I can't thank him enough for allowing me back safely. INSET days were more difficult than i had presumed, too much time to recollect, on the First Aid day i caught moments when tears just fell, something that i again have to learn to live with and that again draws us to being comfortable to be vulnerable. I spent my lunchtime before gong into school at Matthias' grave. Spilling all that was and is. The sun beating down on me and then i had to leave and embrace my return. The return was of course consumed with just a little Barker trauma! Xavier woke up on my first teaching day unable to walk, crawling into our room with a pain in his groin. You can imagine tony and i, distraught and disbelieving. A trip to the Dr ended us in A and E for 4 hours. X-rays and bloods clear, which unfortunately for us means nothing as Thi always showed clear results until the MRI. Thankfully Xav seems ok now but we will always be looking over our shoulder. I miss the 'oh it will be ok' Mummy that i used to be. That will never return and that is something i will have to learn live with. My first assembly with 21 brand new little ones was tricky. A large amount of parents in the back of the hall, and i am at the front encouraging the little ones with a responsibility to get them through a relatively daunting moment of the day. Then a hymn which i knew i would crumble at. No tissues and all i could do was stop myself from sobbing. The tears collected and i loved more deeply than ever before. Only those that knew realised. I thank my school for Thisy's garden as i spend just 5 minutes before my morning begins reflecting, talking and loving, asking him to help me through my day. St Hughs is at the heart of my journey and all they have done and continue to give me means more than a lot them will actually know. Finally my boys. Xav spent his story time going through his truly great keepsake box with me and Jonas. They talk about their stones explaining how the smooth one is a good feeling and when he touches the jagged one it makes him remember the pain of loving and missing Thi. Thi bought Pudsey bears for all the children in the family to remind them that he loved and would always love them and on the bear Thi and I wrote a label saying I love you Always and Forever. On Xavs' label there is a bell that when he found it in the keepsake box he said "that sound makes me feel scrunchy in my tummy." "is that pain" i said and he answered simply "yes". All i can remind him is that that pain is deep love for Thi. I believe we have all had a great deal of settling in to do in the beginning of term. I started work, the boys all with new teachers and Thi just should have been in Winston with all his friends. Xav said one evening "mummy i have been missing Thi more" I answered saying " I too have been struggling with not having Thisy with us and i know Jos said the other day that he misses Thi more at school. I wonder why that is darling?" i asked. Jos, who i needlessly worry about the most said " well we would mummy because we are not all together. We are all in separate places in our schools" Pearls of wisdom from a little 8 year old who understands more than i give him credit for and who survives his sad moments of his school day knowing he has his picture of his much loved brother in his bag to just glance at and love...... only when needed. The surreal and disbelieving element of not having our thisy walking through the door laughing in his raucous way and hugging me with all his heart has returned. Why can we still not get our heads around the fact the he has died and will not sit next to us at teatime. like Tony said "Mad isn't it?" its a painful and crazy love. I dislike the disbelief immensely as when i remember it's yet another stab and twist in the heart. Painful love........We love you more and more deeply Always and Forever my beautiful boy. x Posted on September 23, 2012